why? why can't i be an honest intellectual, an accomplished musician, an eloquent rhetorician, a talented athlete and a person generally worth knowing all at the same time? sometimes, in blissful (and forced) ignorance, i actually think i am.
and then God wisely allows reality to hit me with full force in the forms of individuals who actually manifest such brilliance.
i realize how tiny and significant i am. i do, i do, i do.
however, i am "perplexed, but not driven to despair."
There is a reason for my existence and the places and situations in which I exist. And this I know.
As unprepared for what faces me and will face me as I am, I am confident. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." No matter how many picture frames and cheesy quote books contain those words, they are still Truth.
Monday, 1 September 2008
Saturday, 9 August 2008
"the valley of the shadow of life"
a few minutes ago, i was frustrated. alicia and i have been planning (and when i say "planning," i mean nothing of the sort) an adventure to oregon to see ashly. we were supposed to begin the roadtrip - wind in our hair and all that - early this morning. which turned into tomorrow morning. which, as of a few minutes ago, turned into monday morning. *sigh* despite all of the excitement, her horse decided to contract something akin to the west nile virus. i should probably sound sympathetic right now.
*insert sympathetic comment*
anyways, this whole ordeal has efficiently dampened my spirits and caused my hope of us ever getting on the road to slowly slip away...did i mention i already bought a one-way, non-refundable plane ticket back from oregon? i am annoyed. but i texted bekah a bit ago to get my frustration off of my chest, and she told me that she was sorry...she's frustrated as well since she and her family are at a dude ranch for the weekend and they can't watch the olympics.
and then it struck me...and i couldn't help but laugh.
are we really going to writhe in consternation over the problems afforded us by things that were luxuries in the first place? i suppose i finally realize how spoiled i am. we huff and puff over the smallest bumps in the road as if they were the most colossal obstacles we have faced yet. we forget thankfulness...how grateful should i be that i could even plan a trip out west at all? forgive me, Lord, for being angry when my plans go awry. i am ridiculous, but, if it is your WILL, i would be happy to be off to oregon soon(ish).
what a coincidence that our last girls' bible study was on just that: learning to have patience and trust God amidst all of our pretentious plan-making. the lesson of the week, i'd say. speaking of which, i am so glad God put it on my heart to start a bible study this summer. it has been such an encouragement. i've loved pulling things together, choosing topics, praying and fellowshipping and teaching...i've had to embrace my "college graduate" status this summer, but doing it by leading and striving to be an example to younger girls isn't such a bad start. we've hit on contentment attained through godliness, setting practical goals for the christian life, only adhering to one standard: holiness, evangelizing as a way of life, and the last i already mentioned that is being reiterated to me this week. the theme of sanctification and Romans 12:9-21 have consistently popped up throughout the study. i have been inspired to live a life more fully-conscious of my calling as a Christ-follower.
in other news, julia is home! i love that girl. she is one of the few people in my life with whom i can have intellectual conversations for hours...and, oh, we do. she encouraged me to read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. So i did one morning this week, and that is what one of our long conversations consisted of. it is about the separation of heaven and hell...and there is endless material for discussion. my favorite line from the book is, "water is for thirst; inquiry for truth." i am constantly faced with how to engage the culture in which we live, especially as i leave for the john jay institute this month. i've had several conversations with people lately about how to go about being christians in the public square, and that quotation summarizes what the unwavering focus of our stance must be. this is a relativistic generation, but i cannot be bullied into thinking the way that they do. i have truth, or at least i know it is attainable. sooooo much more to say about that subject, but i shall leave it for a rainy day.
julia and i, walked sheepishly into a local liquor store yesterday to acquire some rum for our favorite drink: rum and coke!! we then drove to the cemetery and sat by the lake in the first minutes of a huge thunderstorm. one of my favorite memories ever.
today, i got up early to go with dad to the library. we joined in on mission mississippi's racial reconciliation forum, and, although i was a little cynical at first, i really, really enjoyed it. we split up into several groups and discussed (and yes, i participated!) in addressing the issues facing race today. a lot of good points came up, and i understood, for perhaps the first time, a little better the situation in america today. i like this sort of thing, and it makes me more excited to become a part of the political scene myself.
then i had to run downstairs to pay my most recently acquired library fine: $26.35.
ouch.
*insert sympathetic comment*
anyways, this whole ordeal has efficiently dampened my spirits and caused my hope of us ever getting on the road to slowly slip away...did i mention i already bought a one-way, non-refundable plane ticket back from oregon? i am annoyed. but i texted bekah a bit ago to get my frustration off of my chest, and she told me that she was sorry...she's frustrated as well since she and her family are at a dude ranch for the weekend and they can't watch the olympics.
and then it struck me...and i couldn't help but laugh.
are we really going to writhe in consternation over the problems afforded us by things that were luxuries in the first place? i suppose i finally realize how spoiled i am. we huff and puff over the smallest bumps in the road as if they were the most colossal obstacles we have faced yet. we forget thankfulness...how grateful should i be that i could even plan a trip out west at all? forgive me, Lord, for being angry when my plans go awry. i am ridiculous, but, if it is your WILL, i would be happy to be off to oregon soon(ish).
what a coincidence that our last girls' bible study was on just that: learning to have patience and trust God amidst all of our pretentious plan-making. the lesson of the week, i'd say. speaking of which, i am so glad God put it on my heart to start a bible study this summer. it has been such an encouragement. i've loved pulling things together, choosing topics, praying and fellowshipping and teaching...i've had to embrace my "college graduate" status this summer, but doing it by leading and striving to be an example to younger girls isn't such a bad start. we've hit on contentment attained through godliness, setting practical goals for the christian life, only adhering to one standard: holiness, evangelizing as a way of life, and the last i already mentioned that is being reiterated to me this week. the theme of sanctification and Romans 12:9-21 have consistently popped up throughout the study. i have been inspired to live a life more fully-conscious of my calling as a Christ-follower.
in other news, julia is home! i love that girl. she is one of the few people in my life with whom i can have intellectual conversations for hours...and, oh, we do. she encouraged me to read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. So i did one morning this week, and that is what one of our long conversations consisted of. it is about the separation of heaven and hell...and there is endless material for discussion. my favorite line from the book is, "water is for thirst; inquiry for truth." i am constantly faced with how to engage the culture in which we live, especially as i leave for the john jay institute this month. i've had several conversations with people lately about how to go about being christians in the public square, and that quotation summarizes what the unwavering focus of our stance must be. this is a relativistic generation, but i cannot be bullied into thinking the way that they do. i have truth, or at least i know it is attainable. sooooo much more to say about that subject, but i shall leave it for a rainy day.
julia and i, walked sheepishly into a local liquor store yesterday to acquire some rum for our favorite drink: rum and coke!! we then drove to the cemetery and sat by the lake in the first minutes of a huge thunderstorm. one of my favorite memories ever.
today, i got up early to go with dad to the library. we joined in on mission mississippi's racial reconciliation forum, and, although i was a little cynical at first, i really, really enjoyed it. we split up into several groups and discussed (and yes, i participated!) in addressing the issues facing race today. a lot of good points came up, and i understood, for perhaps the first time, a little better the situation in america today. i like this sort of thing, and it makes me more excited to become a part of the political scene myself.
then i had to run downstairs to pay my most recently acquired library fine: $26.35.
ouch.
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
quoth the raven, "nevermore"
i wish i was going back to school tomorrow.
this is the first year i actually feel ready to resume another semester along with all of its relationships and drama...and this is the first year i just can't. that's why getting a diploma is such a bittersweet thing.
after graduating, i felt really sad to leave Belhaven behind, but, after a few weeks, i was easily distracted. this summer has been absolutely beautiful. it wasn't hard to forget i wasn't a college student anymore when i had plenty of reading, song-writing, roadtripping, mischief-making things to do. but now, i suddenly feel it.
hmmm...wanting something when you can't have it...like that's a new one.
this is the first year i actually feel ready to resume another semester along with all of its relationships and drama...and this is the first year i just can't. that's why getting a diploma is such a bittersweet thing.
after graduating, i felt really sad to leave Belhaven behind, but, after a few weeks, i was easily distracted. this summer has been absolutely beautiful. it wasn't hard to forget i wasn't a college student anymore when i had plenty of reading, song-writing, roadtripping, mischief-making things to do. but now, i suddenly feel it.
hmmm...wanting something when you can't have it...like that's a new one.
Saturday, 28 June 2008
elyse wept.
my heart literally ACHES from missing people and moments. and it's not one or the other...the two are intertwined. i need to write a song about it, but i can't help feeling like that won't do this pain justice.
Friday, 27 June 2008
a few landrie-inspired thoughts
"I would have despaired, unless I had known that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13
last week, i had a heightened sense of purpose. don't think that means i went around performing great deeds and making life-altering choices. i did, however, burst out with a "damn!" or "shit!" (forgive my lack of eloquence, but the sheer unattainable quality of the ephiphanies i was having required it) in random moments when i was alone. put simply, i was almost able to grasp the gravity of the christian life...the simplicity versus complexity and the determination needed to embrace it. it's not that i was seeing how to go about my calling. i was just beginning to understand in general, to glimpse the shattering truth of the paradoxes we must accept. i think i've been forced back into my finite shelter for now (it's much too agitating to be in my previous state for very long), but i am better for God making the glass a little less dim every once in while. we need those times to refocus us and remind us of our finitude.
today i played tennis with cassie and my little brothers, ran two miles, worked out, read, cooked dinner, and now find myself with a headache. the simple life is apparently tiring. oh great, another paradox. anyways, mom is gone with johnson to a competition in atlanta, and i am left playing mother to everyone. i certainly respect mom a lot more, and realize that this position is less repulsive than i thought before. although, i would probably kick a few kids out of the bargain...seven may be "heaven" as dad likes to say, but i think a smaller number is probably more manageable. just a thought.
we just got back from a two and a half week roadtrip around the MidWest. we hit quite a few states that i hadn't been to before (my official number is now 38. woohooo!) and enjoyed some really gorgeous scenery: the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Tetons, a ranch, and good ol' Eureka Springs, Arkansas. loverly.
this summer i'm preparing to join the John Jay Institute, a political fellowship, for the next year. in the fall, i'll be in Colorado Springs, and in the spring...who knows? i'm ridiculously intimidated by the eleven other people who will be walking on coals with me (they sound perfectly brilliant), but i am also eagerly and prayerfully awaiting what God has in store. the first part is an intensive time of hashing out political principles and defining our leadership qualities, and the second part will be putting those things to work in an internship. i'll most likely be in washington d.c., but i COULD be in another country...sooo i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
i may not even have enough money to buy my first car, but i have big plans to pick bekah up in romania next summer and backpack around europe. it's a lot harder to make haphazard plans when you are a grown-up who is supposed to have a job...but i manage. i miss traveling so much, and the only way i'll make it for the next year is to have that to look forward to, so raise your glass to blissful expectations.
as for the next few months, i am content to visit and expect visits from friends. also, i'm playing a little piano, hoping to re-pick up guitar, reading a lot, exercising, writing for the ReView, working (a little) at Audubon Press, planning to volunteer next week at the Crisis Pregnancy Center, getting together a girls' bible study, and gathering materials to begin a big scary movie shoot next week. yesss, i'm growing up.
but VERY slowly...=)
last week, i had a heightened sense of purpose. don't think that means i went around performing great deeds and making life-altering choices. i did, however, burst out with a "damn!" or "shit!" (forgive my lack of eloquence, but the sheer unattainable quality of the ephiphanies i was having required it) in random moments when i was alone. put simply, i was almost able to grasp the gravity of the christian life...the simplicity versus complexity and the determination needed to embrace it. it's not that i was seeing how to go about my calling. i was just beginning to understand in general, to glimpse the shattering truth of the paradoxes we must accept. i think i've been forced back into my finite shelter for now (it's much too agitating to be in my previous state for very long), but i am better for God making the glass a little less dim every once in while. we need those times to refocus us and remind us of our finitude.
today i played tennis with cassie and my little brothers, ran two miles, worked out, read, cooked dinner, and now find myself with a headache. the simple life is apparently tiring. oh great, another paradox. anyways, mom is gone with johnson to a competition in atlanta, and i am left playing mother to everyone. i certainly respect mom a lot more, and realize that this position is less repulsive than i thought before. although, i would probably kick a few kids out of the bargain...seven may be "heaven" as dad likes to say, but i think a smaller number is probably more manageable. just a thought.
we just got back from a two and a half week roadtrip around the MidWest. we hit quite a few states that i hadn't been to before (my official number is now 38. woohooo!) and enjoyed some really gorgeous scenery: the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Tetons, a ranch, and good ol' Eureka Springs, Arkansas. loverly.
this summer i'm preparing to join the John Jay Institute, a political fellowship, for the next year. in the fall, i'll be in Colorado Springs, and in the spring...who knows? i'm ridiculously intimidated by the eleven other people who will be walking on coals with me (they sound perfectly brilliant), but i am also eagerly and prayerfully awaiting what God has in store. the first part is an intensive time of hashing out political principles and defining our leadership qualities, and the second part will be putting those things to work in an internship. i'll most likely be in washington d.c., but i COULD be in another country...sooo i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
i may not even have enough money to buy my first car, but i have big plans to pick bekah up in romania next summer and backpack around europe. it's a lot harder to make haphazard plans when you are a grown-up who is supposed to have a job...but i manage. i miss traveling so much, and the only way i'll make it for the next year is to have that to look forward to, so raise your glass to blissful expectations.
as for the next few months, i am content to visit and expect visits from friends. also, i'm playing a little piano, hoping to re-pick up guitar, reading a lot, exercising, writing for the ReView, working (a little) at Audubon Press, planning to volunteer next week at the Crisis Pregnancy Center, getting together a girls' bible study, and gathering materials to begin a big scary movie shoot next week. yesss, i'm growing up.
but VERY slowly...=)
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
parting is such (sweet) sorrow.
i'm not one of those seniors that is counting down the days via the markerboard on my dorm room door. i savor experiences with all my might, and college is one of those times in people's lives that is totally and completely surreal...you are only responsible for yourself, hanging out is pretty much a full-time job, and life is nicely packaged into a four-year plan of fun, learning, and trying new things.
and then the real world happens.
why rush it? i am perfectly content, knowing that i have a almost another month before this bubble of an experience is popped. i will miss all of these people, from my best friends to my buddies to my acquaintances to those people whom i catch a glimpse of every once in a while. i'm going to miss being surrounded by groups of peers who are taking time to enjoy life because they can. i'm going to miss long conversations about nothing...and everything. i'm going to miss the kind of people i can kiss frogs and climb trees in lightning with. i'm going to miss having an excuse to be cheap, look crappy, and be as rad as i want to be.
i know, i know...it's time. but i refuse to admit that fully until May 10.
and then the real world happens.
why rush it? i am perfectly content, knowing that i have a almost another month before this bubble of an experience is popped. i will miss all of these people, from my best friends to my buddies to my acquaintances to those people whom i catch a glimpse of every once in a while. i'm going to miss being surrounded by groups of peers who are taking time to enjoy life because they can. i'm going to miss long conversations about nothing...and everything. i'm going to miss the kind of people i can kiss frogs and climb trees in lightning with. i'm going to miss having an excuse to be cheap, look crappy, and be as rad as i want to be.
i know, i know...it's time. but i refuse to admit that fully until May 10.
Saturday, 22 March 2008
aye, the dabbler cometh
i've (finally) begun memorizing the Marks of a True Christian in Romans 12, and the first verse of the section has already taught be so much, however simple it may sound: "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil, cling fast to what is good."
i am ashamed at how much my love is hypocritical...at how much i appreciate evil and ignore what is good. ahhhhh. God has been showing me my sin in poignant ways lately, and i am determined (through Him who strengthens me) to change. but it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself to be kind, to take the higher road, to shut my mouth, to "cling fast to what is good"...that one cutting remark, haughty look or judgmental thought breaks my tough-sounding determination as easily as a twig. but this is the Christian life...it must be worked at.
well anyways, we're on spring break this week...it's almost over, and it feels like it just began. mom, cassie and i spent some time in louisiana (i got to share about china with their church!), and then we came back home just in time for me to get sick and have to lay around the rest of the break. damn sickness!! oh well. i had great plans for this week: make progress on War and Peace, apply to several more internships for next year, get a tan, see friends, be productive and generally Renaissance-ish. getting a tan is really the only category with some sort of results.
something i've realized recently that has been rather mentally debilitating over the past few days is the fact that i am a dabbler. i joke about it. but i've only just realized how accurate that definition of me is. i have dabbled in just about everything: guitar, viola, piano, voice, history, writing, literature, science, dance, art, geography, speech, debate, cooking, sowing, french, spanish, latin, soccer, softball, etc., etc., etc. but am i actually GOOD at anything? i'm afraid not. i have potential in several areas, but, beginning from a young age, i enjoyed flying from one passion to another...unwittingly training myself to be a jack (or jill, if you will) of all trades. sounds cool...but, in the end, it's just not.
second recent epiphany: i now understand, in a very practically philosophical way, marriage. i can't remember why this came to me now, but amidst all of this obsessing over what direction to take come May 10th and discussing with friends the possibility of moving certain places together, i see at least the basic desire for marriage as the human need for camaraderie. i hadn't thought about it until now, because i've never "technically" been on my own. but now, when the whole world is open to me, i suddenly shrink back, looking around for someone to walk into the sunset with. not that i'm ready or even wanting to get married anytime soon, but i have come to understand - on a very basic level of course - the fact that people want someone else to make decisions with, to be excited about the same things with, to join in on the big endeavors with (i know that was grammatically incorrect, but i just don't care). family is a wonderful anchor, but they have their own lives. friends, no matter how many plans we make and dreams we have for co-fame, will eventually find their own directions. we NEED someone that we won't have to worry about all of that with. whatever decisions there are to make and adventures there are to have, one thing is certain: you will do it together. who doesn't like the sound of that?
I guess that's why we have God. (I just KNEW there had to be something more deeply philosophical in all of that =).
i am ashamed at how much my love is hypocritical...at how much i appreciate evil and ignore what is good. ahhhhh. God has been showing me my sin in poignant ways lately, and i am determined (through Him who strengthens me) to change. but it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself to be kind, to take the higher road, to shut my mouth, to "cling fast to what is good"...that one cutting remark, haughty look or judgmental thought breaks my tough-sounding determination as easily as a twig. but this is the Christian life...it must be worked at.
well anyways, we're on spring break this week...it's almost over, and it feels like it just began. mom, cassie and i spent some time in louisiana (i got to share about china with their church!), and then we came back home just in time for me to get sick and have to lay around the rest of the break. damn sickness!! oh well. i had great plans for this week: make progress on War and Peace, apply to several more internships for next year, get a tan, see friends, be productive and generally Renaissance-ish. getting a tan is really the only category with some sort of results.
something i've realized recently that has been rather mentally debilitating over the past few days is the fact that i am a dabbler. i joke about it. but i've only just realized how accurate that definition of me is. i have dabbled in just about everything: guitar, viola, piano, voice, history, writing, literature, science, dance, art, geography, speech, debate, cooking, sowing, french, spanish, latin, soccer, softball, etc., etc., etc. but am i actually GOOD at anything? i'm afraid not. i have potential in several areas, but, beginning from a young age, i enjoyed flying from one passion to another...unwittingly training myself to be a jack (or jill, if you will) of all trades. sounds cool...but, in the end, it's just not.
second recent epiphany: i now understand, in a very practically philosophical way, marriage. i can't remember why this came to me now, but amidst all of this obsessing over what direction to take come May 10th and discussing with friends the possibility of moving certain places together, i see at least the basic desire for marriage as the human need for camaraderie. i hadn't thought about it until now, because i've never "technically" been on my own. but now, when the whole world is open to me, i suddenly shrink back, looking around for someone to walk into the sunset with. not that i'm ready or even wanting to get married anytime soon, but i have come to understand - on a very basic level of course - the fact that people want someone else to make decisions with, to be excited about the same things with, to join in on the big endeavors with (i know that was grammatically incorrect, but i just don't care). family is a wonderful anchor, but they have their own lives. friends, no matter how many plans we make and dreams we have for co-fame, will eventually find their own directions. we NEED someone that we won't have to worry about all of that with. whatever decisions there are to make and adventures there are to have, one thing is certain: you will do it together. who doesn't like the sound of that?
I guess that's why we have God. (I just KNEW there had to be something more deeply philosophical in all of that =).
Sunday, 9 March 2008
RUN.
i heard an amazing sermon today. and when i say amazing, i mean the life-changing, tear-jerking, hope-filling kind.
Joe Novenson preached for the Redeemer missions conference, and he set forth for us a brief history of the world, beginning with Adam and ending with us. his illustrations were all powerful and a propos, and he put our place in the world and in the advance of the Kingdom in context beautifully. by the end, we were all on the edge of our seats. the last thing he told us was to picture ourselves in a relay race, and the Word of God is the baton being handed off to us. we have numerous excuses for why we are unworthy or unable to take the hand-off, and what we think is humility is actually UNBELIEF (that opened my eyes). he then told us to look back over the shoulders of the runners, to the people who led us to Christ, to the people who led them, on and on through theologians and prophets and finally...Jesus. and there he is, at beginning of this long line of runners, looking into our very souls, saying, "Run."
i was imagining the entire scenario he put before us and being inspired endlessly...but that one little word - "Run." - broke me. tears sprang to my eyes, and i realized how selfish and utterly sinful it is of me to refuse that blood-stained baton, or stand there with it uncertainly. i don't know what running (for me) will or is supposed to look like...but i do know that i must.
this life IS a race, and what a privilege it is to be a runner.
help me to sprint, Lord.
Joe Novenson preached for the Redeemer missions conference, and he set forth for us a brief history of the world, beginning with Adam and ending with us. his illustrations were all powerful and a propos, and he put our place in the world and in the advance of the Kingdom in context beautifully. by the end, we were all on the edge of our seats. the last thing he told us was to picture ourselves in a relay race, and the Word of God is the baton being handed off to us. we have numerous excuses for why we are unworthy or unable to take the hand-off, and what we think is humility is actually UNBELIEF (that opened my eyes). he then told us to look back over the shoulders of the runners, to the people who led us to Christ, to the people who led them, on and on through theologians and prophets and finally...Jesus. and there he is, at beginning of this long line of runners, looking into our very souls, saying, "Run."
i was imagining the entire scenario he put before us and being inspired endlessly...but that one little word - "Run." - broke me. tears sprang to my eyes, and i realized how selfish and utterly sinful it is of me to refuse that blood-stained baton, or stand there with it uncertainly. i don't know what running (for me) will or is supposed to look like...but i do know that i must.
this life IS a race, and what a privilege it is to be a runner.
help me to sprint, Lord.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
yay for sanctification!
my heart is heavy-ish right now. there is a very complicated reason for it, and i'll leave it at that. soooo today wasn't the best.
BUT there is redemption. my days of late have been full, good, and convicting. there's been kind of a theme for my past week...it has seemed like everywhere i go, someone or something is reminding me of my calling to BE Christ to people. an overwhelming prospect, but one that i am required to take on. i love Christ dearly, but is that fact about me obvious to other people? i have been in prayer about that a lot lately. which also leads me to a recent epiphany: i suddenly feel very called practically. i love to dwell in the academic world of ideas, but i have been surrounded lately by examples of practical Christianity...and that is an attractive thing. i love people, and i have a passion for justice. how can i use these? i'm intrigued to find out. in other words, i have even less of a concrete idea of what i am supposed to be doing after graduation...but i feel calm and even joyful. it is in God's hands, and He's done a great job so far.
BUT there is redemption. my days of late have been full, good, and convicting. there's been kind of a theme for my past week...it has seemed like everywhere i go, someone or something is reminding me of my calling to BE Christ to people. an overwhelming prospect, but one that i am required to take on. i love Christ dearly, but is that fact about me obvious to other people? i have been in prayer about that a lot lately. which also leads me to a recent epiphany: i suddenly feel very called practically. i love to dwell in the academic world of ideas, but i have been surrounded lately by examples of practical Christianity...and that is an attractive thing. i love people, and i have a passion for justice. how can i use these? i'm intrigued to find out. in other words, i have even less of a concrete idea of what i am supposed to be doing after graduation...but i feel calm and even joyful. it is in God's hands, and He's done a great job so far.
Tuesday, 19 February 2008
dear Christian brethren...
i am so glad that i am a Christian. what would i be without you, Lord?
and what is a Christian who isn't being forced to grow? there is no such thing. at least there hasn't been in my life. God is really stretching me right now...did i seriously think that would end after the rigors of 2007? sanctification is a life-long process.
a tiring, difficult, hurtful and BEAUTIFUL process.
right now, i feel very confident though. i have been forced to go to the Word so much lately, and i feel as if God is showing me grace and granting me wisdom in time of need. He is always faithful...i had to be reminded of that.
He is teaching me the most about healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation. their place is preeminent (or at least, it should be) amongst the people of God, and, when those things don't happen, strife is inevitable. i have before me a very clear picture of how the root of bitterness thrives and destroys when christians choose to ignore problems. i see how openness is essential and how prayer and conviction play into the big picture. i see how hearts are hardened, and people are blinded to their sin. and i see how God is above all of this.
i am holding my temper and praying for grace, and He is giving it to me. how much longer it will last...we shall see.
i do know this. i am completely and surreally removed from the ridiculous situations that human beings create, and i understand that everything comes down to the fundamentals. DO JUSTICE, LOVE KINDNESS, AND WALK HUMBLY WITH YOUR
GOD. when we don't do that, it is obvious, and we know it deep down in our heart of hearts, whether or not we admit it. if this isn't happening, then repentance and forgiveness are available to us.
i am letting go of my foolish notions and relying instead upon the Rock...a foundation that cannot be shaken.
i feel very joyful right now...and i didn't expect it.
and what is a Christian who isn't being forced to grow? there is no such thing. at least there hasn't been in my life. God is really stretching me right now...did i seriously think that would end after the rigors of 2007? sanctification is a life-long process.
a tiring, difficult, hurtful and BEAUTIFUL process.
right now, i feel very confident though. i have been forced to go to the Word so much lately, and i feel as if God is showing me grace and granting me wisdom in time of need. He is always faithful...i had to be reminded of that.
He is teaching me the most about healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation. their place is preeminent (or at least, it should be) amongst the people of God, and, when those things don't happen, strife is inevitable. i have before me a very clear picture of how the root of bitterness thrives and destroys when christians choose to ignore problems. i see how openness is essential and how prayer and conviction play into the big picture. i see how hearts are hardened, and people are blinded to their sin. and i see how God is above all of this.
i am holding my temper and praying for grace, and He is giving it to me. how much longer it will last...we shall see.
i do know this. i am completely and surreally removed from the ridiculous situations that human beings create, and i understand that everything comes down to the fundamentals. DO JUSTICE, LOVE KINDNESS, AND WALK HUMBLY WITH YOUR
GOD. when we don't do that, it is obvious, and we know it deep down in our heart of hearts, whether or not we admit it. if this isn't happening, then repentance and forgiveness are available to us.
i am letting go of my foolish notions and relying instead upon the Rock...a foundation that cannot be shaken.
i feel very joyful right now...and i didn't expect it.
Sunday, 17 February 2008
big waste of my precious time
sooo,,,you know that sign i asked for? it came with harsh clarity this afternoon. now i'm mad. and i have a couple of people to talk to tomorrow. at this point, i am praying for wisdom so that i don't say what i actually want to right now. i need calm and measured eloquence.
i am VERY disappointed in people.
but then (in all fairness) i am also very encouraged. i've had a lot of fun this weekend, despite how i feel towards the human race in general at the moment.
i am VERY disappointed in people.
but then (in all fairness) i am also very encouraged. i've had a lot of fun this weekend, despite how i feel towards the human race in general at the moment.
Monday, 11 February 2008
ok. this is just getting ridiculous.
i am tired. i am sick. my entire body feels like it is on fire right now, and if i cough again i feel like my head will explode.
that said, i put on a pretty good show, because after someone found out i was feeling badly, they simply couldn't believe it since i, apparently, look and act...er, like a not-sick person. i just want to be better. i've literally had some form of illness or hurt the entire semester so far. and i want desperately to be able to hang out and be productive...without limits. oh wait, i'm finite. i wonder what i could do if i felt a 100 percent? the world may never know. this seems to be the story of my existence. God...teach me patience and perseverance.
i had a really good day today though. i pushed myself too hard, but i did get to work out this morning with some cool peeps, sit on the dock at the reservoir and bask in the sun with landrie, and then hang out at dinner and afterwards.
i barely got my article for my hometown's newpaper - The ReView - finished tonight...i had procrastinated for so long due to sickness. THAT has been encouraging me a lot. they love my political column (ok, well...this is only my second one technically), and they're thinking about running a series of my letters home from China. speaking of which, i miss china. oh, and oxford. i find myself daydreaming about them all of the time.
i am ready for a roadtrip. i want...need...to get away. from what? nothing really. i love the people here (for the most part), and i'm even enjoying my classes despite my earlier predictions. i just want simplicity suddenly. i'm used to being unbelievably busy, and this semester is sooo different. i'm only taking 15 hours, being an RA, playing intramurals, attending RUF, and doing political stuff...but i have way too much time (compared to the rest of my time in college) to think. and when i think, i get overwhelmed. and i don't DO. enough of that.
"Let us then be up and doing
With a heart for any fate.
Still acheiving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait."
8th grade English taught me something =).
p.s. there is something that i've come to see i need to do...but i'm too big of a coward. i guess i'm one of those idiots that needs a sign. mostly, i need wisdom, Lord. thanks.
that said, i put on a pretty good show, because after someone found out i was feeling badly, they simply couldn't believe it since i, apparently, look and act...er, like a not-sick person. i just want to be better. i've literally had some form of illness or hurt the entire semester so far. and i want desperately to be able to hang out and be productive...without limits. oh wait, i'm finite. i wonder what i could do if i felt a 100 percent? the world may never know. this seems to be the story of my existence. God...teach me patience and perseverance.
i had a really good day today though. i pushed myself too hard, but i did get to work out this morning with some cool peeps, sit on the dock at the reservoir and bask in the sun with landrie, and then hang out at dinner and afterwards.
i barely got my article for my hometown's newpaper - The ReView - finished tonight...i had procrastinated for so long due to sickness. THAT has been encouraging me a lot. they love my political column (ok, well...this is only my second one technically), and they're thinking about running a series of my letters home from China. speaking of which, i miss china. oh, and oxford. i find myself daydreaming about them all of the time.
i am ready for a roadtrip. i want...need...to get away. from what? nothing really. i love the people here (for the most part), and i'm even enjoying my classes despite my earlier predictions. i just want simplicity suddenly. i'm used to being unbelievably busy, and this semester is sooo different. i'm only taking 15 hours, being an RA, playing intramurals, attending RUF, and doing political stuff...but i have way too much time (compared to the rest of my time in college) to think. and when i think, i get overwhelmed. and i don't DO. enough of that.
"Let us then be up and doing
With a heart for any fate.
Still acheiving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait."
8th grade English taught me something =).
p.s. there is something that i've come to see i need to do...but i'm too big of a coward. i guess i'm one of those idiots that needs a sign. mostly, i need wisdom, Lord. thanks.
Friday, 8 February 2008
i'm not on drugs. but i feel high. and not in a good way.
NEVER begin your day with Waiting for Godot. This is a very important piece of advice.
Because that is exactly what I did on Thursday morning, and ever since then life has been, well...rather strange and dissatisfying. It's a play that we watched in my HUM 401 class, and at the end, when Dr. Kenyon turned on the lights, we all stared blankly at each other and tried to make sense of it. The premise is basically that life is an endless cycle of us trying to create meaning and failing miserably because, in the end, we are waiting for nothing. Depressing, eh? Of course, I disagree wholeheartedly, but at 8:00 in the morning when you are getting sick and you didn't sleep well the night before...it doesn't bode well for the rest of the day.
The rest of the day was actually quite normal to the naked eye...classes, meetings, and hanging out with people.
But my soul hurt. And suddenly, the good attitude and optimism that I've enjoyed this semester left me. I began realizing how much has actually been going wrong. A car wreck. Constant sickness. Oral surgery. The stupid stock market causing me lose a few a grand right when I desperately need money the most. The political situation falling apart just as I try to get in. Having to turn down a job because I don't have a car as a result of the wreck. Being overwhelmed by all of the applications and paperwork that I have to do if I want to try to get a life after college. Being forced to be a relationship guru when I am seriously unqualified. The fact that people are not happy all of the time no matter how much I wish it. The fact that people...friends...can be so stupid.
...to name a few.
I hadn't been phased by any of these things until yesterday, but now I'm back at an emotional square one.
So much has been going right, though...it's really unfair that I can't focus on those things instead. I feel totally apathetic. But it's more of an inner thing, since I am going door-to-door tomorrow campaigning for a candidate for Congress. I'm doing something productive, I suppose...
I've been reading in the book of James lately, which has been seriously encouraging. I DEFINITELY should go do that now.
Because that is exactly what I did on Thursday morning, and ever since then life has been, well...rather strange and dissatisfying. It's a play that we watched in my HUM 401 class, and at the end, when Dr. Kenyon turned on the lights, we all stared blankly at each other and tried to make sense of it. The premise is basically that life is an endless cycle of us trying to create meaning and failing miserably because, in the end, we are waiting for nothing. Depressing, eh? Of course, I disagree wholeheartedly, but at 8:00 in the morning when you are getting sick and you didn't sleep well the night before...it doesn't bode well for the rest of the day.
The rest of the day was actually quite normal to the naked eye...classes, meetings, and hanging out with people.
But my soul hurt. And suddenly, the good attitude and optimism that I've enjoyed this semester left me. I began realizing how much has actually been going wrong. A car wreck. Constant sickness. Oral surgery. The stupid stock market causing me lose a few a grand right when I desperately need money the most. The political situation falling apart just as I try to get in. Having to turn down a job because I don't have a car as a result of the wreck. Being overwhelmed by all of the applications and paperwork that I have to do if I want to try to get a life after college. Being forced to be a relationship guru when I am seriously unqualified. The fact that people are not happy all of the time no matter how much I wish it. The fact that people...friends...can be so stupid.
...to name a few.
I hadn't been phased by any of these things until yesterday, but now I'm back at an emotional square one.
So much has been going right, though...it's really unfair that I can't focus on those things instead. I feel totally apathetic. But it's more of an inner thing, since I am going door-to-door tomorrow campaigning for a candidate for Congress. I'm doing something productive, I suppose...
I've been reading in the book of James lately, which has been seriously encouraging. I DEFINITELY should go do that now.
Saturday, 2 February 2008
ahhhh yes.
"It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from." C.S. Lewis
I think I have finally found how to explain the way I've been feeling these days...in someone else's words.
I think I have finally found how to explain the way I've been feeling these days...in someone else's words.
Friday, 25 January 2008
help wanted
i inevitably turn to blogging when i am pensive...making me sound perpetually melancholy and even forlorn. but (i promise) i am actually quite carefree/happy-go-lucky in the inbetween times. there is just a point where one must let it all out. all of those pent-up emotions and thoughts...and i do believe that i am woman enough to admit that i keep a lot inside. but i also feel that i let a lot out. hmmmmm...in keeping with my vague epiphanies, there is just a LOT.
that said, this has been a strange week. the concussion has made me sleepy and a little lethargic. also, couple that with me slowly getting sicker and sicker (fever, cold, etc.). i've skipped many, many classes this week, hung out with random people, and been pushed in all of the other times towards thoughtfulness.
i have this feeling.
you know how you can only do life...once? it's literally impossible to do it right the first time. and that is all we get. i am subconsciously and consciously dissatisfied with a lot of choices that i've made...but they're the kind of choices that have also made me who i am today. and the kind that are impossible to erase and try again. so i should just accept it and move on, right? so hard.
i had a quick chat with dad in the freezing rain tonight...two ships passing in the night, really...and he gave me his weekly, er, daily talk about my life. kind of a pump-up-elyse session. i suppose i do need those as much as he gives them to me. but i'm tired. also another word for lazy, perhaps? i just don't FEEL like being this person that he makes me out to be...aggressive, talented, and "a great catch." don't worry, i take his words with a whole tablespoon of salt. but i do have this annoying drive that doesn't let me settle for average, and i constantly find myself pursuing something greater. right now, i am in the middle of applying for internships in DC and researching options for life after college. there is no more summer plans, christmas breaks, easy living, and pure enjoyment in store for me. reality is suddenly...very suddenly...hitting me. i think i'm getting stomach ulcers. i AM excited, don't get me wrong. but this is SCARY.
and then, i have also realized how much life is actually very set in stone. you go to elementary, high school, and then college. you then move on to a career or grad school if you are not already married. and then, if it hasn't already happened, you get married. when did getting married become a step in the process? is love something that now comes on demand? it's not in me to treat marriage as an inevitable building block. what if it doesn't happen for a very long time....or not at all? i realize that everything ends with an "until." go to grad school until you get married. enjoy a career until you get married. find something to do after college until you get married. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! just stop. there is not a slip of paper containing instructions for life that says, "Step 4: Marry." it is NOT that simple.
i can't believe that i am this old. that i'm graduating. that i'm acting like all of those people i used to laugh at...scared and uncertain. life IS an adventure. i really haven't lost that outlook quite yet. but it is NOT formulaic, and i won't conform to some imaginary process. i just need to breathe...and take the next step, WHATEVER it may be.
sooo...here goes.
that said, this has been a strange week. the concussion has made me sleepy and a little lethargic. also, couple that with me slowly getting sicker and sicker (fever, cold, etc.). i've skipped many, many classes this week, hung out with random people, and been pushed in all of the other times towards thoughtfulness.
i have this feeling.
you know how you can only do life...once? it's literally impossible to do it right the first time. and that is all we get. i am subconsciously and consciously dissatisfied with a lot of choices that i've made...but they're the kind of choices that have also made me who i am today. and the kind that are impossible to erase and try again. so i should just accept it and move on, right? so hard.
i had a quick chat with dad in the freezing rain tonight...two ships passing in the night, really...and he gave me his weekly, er, daily talk about my life. kind of a pump-up-elyse session. i suppose i do need those as much as he gives them to me. but i'm tired. also another word for lazy, perhaps? i just don't FEEL like being this person that he makes me out to be...aggressive, talented, and "a great catch." don't worry, i take his words with a whole tablespoon of salt. but i do have this annoying drive that doesn't let me settle for average, and i constantly find myself pursuing something greater. right now, i am in the middle of applying for internships in DC and researching options for life after college. there is no more summer plans, christmas breaks, easy living, and pure enjoyment in store for me. reality is suddenly...very suddenly...hitting me. i think i'm getting stomach ulcers. i AM excited, don't get me wrong. but this is SCARY.
and then, i have also realized how much life is actually very set in stone. you go to elementary, high school, and then college. you then move on to a career or grad school if you are not already married. and then, if it hasn't already happened, you get married. when did getting married become a step in the process? is love something that now comes on demand? it's not in me to treat marriage as an inevitable building block. what if it doesn't happen for a very long time....or not at all? i realize that everything ends with an "until." go to grad school until you get married. enjoy a career until you get married. find something to do after college until you get married. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! just stop. there is not a slip of paper containing instructions for life that says, "Step 4: Marry." it is NOT that simple.
i can't believe that i am this old. that i'm graduating. that i'm acting like all of those people i used to laugh at...scared and uncertain. life IS an adventure. i really haven't lost that outlook quite yet. but it is NOT formulaic, and i won't conform to some imaginary process. i just need to breathe...and take the next step, WHATEVER it may be.
sooo...here goes.
Sunday, 20 January 2008
me...no longer in the headlights.
i cussed A LOT on friday night.
i had a great day and was humming along to the radio on the long stretch of dark road between collins and laurel, when all of a sudden, a large shape moved into my lane just a little ahead of me. by the time i realized it was large deer staring blankly at me (i guess i didn't understand the truth of "deer in the headlights", because i wasted time subconsciously expecting it to move), it was too late to react rationally, and i don't remember everything that happened...but i do remember somehow violently swerving to the left. i told the policeman i was going 70 mph...since i really couldn't remember, i feel it was less a lie than a hopeful estimate. but, realistically, it was probably more like 90 mph. i immediately went into a talespin, flew over a ditch, taking out a pole, spinning down an embankment, and slamming finally into a cluster of trees. i don't remember what happened between the deer and me stopping, just flashes of dark scenery and resigning myself to dying. i may have said a quick prayer, i just don't remember. my side of the car got the brunt of the impact, and i came out of the wreck with a concussion and a bruised, scraped side. while i was sitting there, trying to orient myself and figure out what had just happened, flashing red lights were suddenly in front of me...on the road that seemed very far away now. i was surprised at the immediacy of Mississippi service, but really i should have just been amazed at Providence. there was an ambulance behind that saw me spinning out of control and flying off the road, and they came to my rescue...angels with accents, really. they called highway patrol for me, and stood chatting with me for the next half an hour. the couple whose yard i ended up in, came out to offer their services and talked for a little while. it was quite surreal. i stood there shivering, living in a strange world where i answered questions about my major, replayed the accident for everyone, and asked questions that felt really lame, like "so, paramedics, do you like your job?" i kept it together until dad got there, and then i cried a lot. the car is joshua's, and before i even thanked God for protecting me, i berated myself for crashing his car of all people's. i've never had a car at school, and he was sooo nice to let me borrow it while he is in Iraq. i've actually been depressed about it for the past few days....but he called today, and i got to tell him. he had a good attitude, and i am prepared to shell out a bunch of cash that i really can't spare, but i am more than willing to give up.
anyways, it was a loooooooonnng night. i've been sleeping a lot, my head still hurts, and my body is sore. now i don't have a car. and i am very thankful and encouraged.
i had just been reading in matthew on friday morning about not worrying. God knows. our job is to trust him and aim to glorify Him. that's it. how apropos is that for this very weekend? my reaction to this car wreck should also project onto the whole of my life. trust God, accept His will, await the reasons for the interruptions He brings, and live for Him. it's that simple.
who knew a stupid deer could bring such clarity?
i had a great day and was humming along to the radio on the long stretch of dark road between collins and laurel, when all of a sudden, a large shape moved into my lane just a little ahead of me. by the time i realized it was large deer staring blankly at me (i guess i didn't understand the truth of "deer in the headlights", because i wasted time subconsciously expecting it to move), it was too late to react rationally, and i don't remember everything that happened...but i do remember somehow violently swerving to the left. i told the policeman i was going 70 mph...since i really couldn't remember, i feel it was less a lie than a hopeful estimate. but, realistically, it was probably more like 90 mph. i immediately went into a talespin, flew over a ditch, taking out a pole, spinning down an embankment, and slamming finally into a cluster of trees. i don't remember what happened between the deer and me stopping, just flashes of dark scenery and resigning myself to dying. i may have said a quick prayer, i just don't remember. my side of the car got the brunt of the impact, and i came out of the wreck with a concussion and a bruised, scraped side. while i was sitting there, trying to orient myself and figure out what had just happened, flashing red lights were suddenly in front of me...on the road that seemed very far away now. i was surprised at the immediacy of Mississippi service, but really i should have just been amazed at Providence. there was an ambulance behind that saw me spinning out of control and flying off the road, and they came to my rescue...angels with accents, really. they called highway patrol for me, and stood chatting with me for the next half an hour. the couple whose yard i ended up in, came out to offer their services and talked for a little while. it was quite surreal. i stood there shivering, living in a strange world where i answered questions about my major, replayed the accident for everyone, and asked questions that felt really lame, like "so, paramedics, do you like your job?" i kept it together until dad got there, and then i cried a lot. the car is joshua's, and before i even thanked God for protecting me, i berated myself for crashing his car of all people's. i've never had a car at school, and he was sooo nice to let me borrow it while he is in Iraq. i've actually been depressed about it for the past few days....but he called today, and i got to tell him. he had a good attitude, and i am prepared to shell out a bunch of cash that i really can't spare, but i am more than willing to give up.
anyways, it was a loooooooonnng night. i've been sleeping a lot, my head still hurts, and my body is sore. now i don't have a car. and i am very thankful and encouraged.
i had just been reading in matthew on friday morning about not worrying. God knows. our job is to trust him and aim to glorify Him. that's it. how apropos is that for this very weekend? my reaction to this car wreck should also project onto the whole of my life. trust God, accept His will, await the reasons for the interruptions He brings, and live for Him. it's that simple.
who knew a stupid deer could bring such clarity?
Monday, 14 January 2008
some sort of misunderstanding, perhaps?
i wish
i wish
i wish
i wish
i wish...
my days have been filled with laughter, abandon, excitement, thoughtfulness, and hope. i've been dog-piled on the soccer field. i've played games with random people. i've been watching 24 with a great group of addicts. i've lost a good-natured bet. i've laughed...a lot. i've played with fire. i've made plans for a future yet to be seen. i've gotten to know several people i didn't notice before. i've been driving my own car. i've been convicted time after time. i've had deep conversations and trivial ones.
i've been confident. i've been loving. i've been encouraging. i've (dare i say it?) been myself.
then WHAT do i wish?
i'm tired of this longing feeling that is literally choking me. if i'm so happy, so content...what is this desire that has such a strong grip on my heart? i feel a little like giving up. at what exactly, i'm not sure. life in general, perhaps?
what a ridiculous idea.
since i am one of those who has "seen a great Light"...what more could i possibly need?
i wish
i wish
i wish
i wish...
my days have been filled with laughter, abandon, excitement, thoughtfulness, and hope. i've been dog-piled on the soccer field. i've played games with random people. i've been watching 24 with a great group of addicts. i've lost a good-natured bet. i've laughed...a lot. i've played with fire. i've made plans for a future yet to be seen. i've gotten to know several people i didn't notice before. i've been driving my own car. i've been convicted time after time. i've had deep conversations and trivial ones.
i've been confident. i've been loving. i've been encouraging. i've (dare i say it?) been myself.
then WHAT do i wish?
i'm tired of this longing feeling that is literally choking me. if i'm so happy, so content...what is this desire that has such a strong grip on my heart? i feel a little like giving up. at what exactly, i'm not sure. life in general, perhaps?
what a ridiculous idea.
since i am one of those who has "seen a great Light"...what more could i possibly need?
Thursday, 10 January 2008
so i feel like "student" is my occupation in name only, because classes are not that high on my list of priorities this semester.
what am i up to? put simply, enjoying people. i desperately love these souls scattered around me...if only they knew how much. this IS the most important thing. i knew it before, but God keeps reiterating to me how much that is true.
what am i up to? put simply, enjoying people. i desperately love these souls scattered around me...if only they knew how much. this IS the most important thing. i knew it before, but God keeps reiterating to me how much that is true.
Monday, 7 January 2008
sneaking discontent
even though i was scared to come back to belhaven, i drove up here feeling a strange sense of preparedness. i moved in friday night, and saturday was all-day training. it was actually really fun. i hugged people, talked of our different semesters, and had fun getting to know the people i hadn't met. we made training videos for the last half of the day...entertaining to say the least. i was the project manager for one, and i was laughing or had my eyebrows raised for most of the time. i felt content going to bed on saturday...went to church at redeemer the next morning. that's another thing that is strange this semester, it's kind of inevitable that i have to go many places alone. not my thing. anyways, i got there and sat by this really sweet lady on one side and a really awkward one on the other. it was great. afterwards, bekah, sarah-lo, and i went to lunch and just talked for a few hours. that is what i love. i LOVE craziness, but give me a cup of coffee, a little atmosphere, and a few people and i am contented to sit and talk into the wee hours. after that, i came back for duty and enjoyed getting to know my RA team a little better...after that, bekah and i went to wal-mart and then the jerusalem cafe. we got to talk about a lot of things that had been pent-up from this past semester. so THAT was slightly relieving. i came back and organized stuff in my quad before going over to tiffany's apartment to watch 24 with some peeps...i came back around 2:00 am. wow, now that i write it all down, it does sounds like i've had a gravy time. but for some reason, monday, i just had the sneaking feeling tightening around my heart of inadequacy and discontent. why??! i'm tired of it. NO MORE.
it can begin with a comment, a look, a query....i thought i had tougher skin than this!
a little bit of it may be my sad state of friendlessness. of course, that is a drastic use of hyperbole, but, at the moment, that's how i feel. there's been problems in my absence that i won't even deign to mention here, but, as a result, i may have lost a few friends. whatev. it's affecting me strangely, but it's also helping me to realize that there are millions of other people in the world. i love making friends with different groups of people, but i'm slowly beginning to understand how many of those relationships are often nominal, even unbeknownst to us. i'm tired of surface stuff. i'm one of those people that desperately needs to have a few good friends...even a lot. and i do. but i want more. how selfish is that?
i feel rather incomplete at the moment.
but wait, i am complete in God...what right do i have to be discouraged?? especially over something so very, very far from my dear Truth.
it can begin with a comment, a look, a query....i thought i had tougher skin than this!
a little bit of it may be my sad state of friendlessness. of course, that is a drastic use of hyperbole, but, at the moment, that's how i feel. there's been problems in my absence that i won't even deign to mention here, but, as a result, i may have lost a few friends. whatev. it's affecting me strangely, but it's also helping me to realize that there are millions of other people in the world. i love making friends with different groups of people, but i'm slowly beginning to understand how many of those relationships are often nominal, even unbeknownst to us. i'm tired of surface stuff. i'm one of those people that desperately needs to have a few good friends...even a lot. and i do. but i want more. how selfish is that?
i feel rather incomplete at the moment.
but wait, i am complete in God...what right do i have to be discouraged?? especially over something so very, very far from my dear Truth.
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