help wanted

i inevitably turn to blogging when i am pensive...making me sound perpetually melancholy and even forlorn. but (i promise) i am actually quite carefree/happy-go-lucky in the inbetween times. there is just a point where one must let it all out. all of those pent-up emotions and thoughts...and i do believe that i am woman enough to admit that i keep a lot inside. but i also feel that i let a lot out. hmmmmm...in keeping with my vague epiphanies, there is just a LOT.

that said, this has been a strange week. the concussion has made me sleepy and a little lethargic. also, couple that with me slowly getting sicker and sicker (fever, cold, etc.). i've skipped many, many classes this week, hung out with random people, and been pushed in all of the other times towards thoughtfulness.

i have this feeling.

you know how you can only do life...once? it's literally impossible to do it right the first time. and that is all we get. i am subconsciously and consciously dissatisfied with a lot of choices that i've made...but they're the kind of choices that have also made me who i am today. and the kind that are impossible to erase and try again. so i should just accept it and move on, right? so hard.

i had a quick chat with dad in the freezing rain tonight...two ships passing in the night, really...and he gave me his weekly, er, daily talk about my life. kind of a pump-up-elyse session. i suppose i do need those as much as he gives them to me. but i'm tired. also another word for lazy, perhaps? i just don't FEEL like being this person that he makes me out to be...aggressive, talented, and "a great catch." don't worry, i take his words with a whole tablespoon of salt. but i do have this annoying drive that doesn't let me settle for average, and i constantly find myself pursuing something greater. right now, i am in the middle of applying for internships in DC and researching options for life after college. there is no more summer plans, christmas breaks, easy living, and pure enjoyment in store for me. reality is suddenly...very suddenly...hitting me. i think i'm getting stomach ulcers. i AM excited, don't get me wrong. but this is SCARY.

and then, i have also realized how much life is actually very set in stone. you go to elementary, high school, and then college. you then move on to a career or grad school if you are not already married. and then, if it hasn't already happened, you get married. when did getting married become a step in the process? is love something that now comes on demand? it's not in me to treat marriage as an inevitable building block. what if it doesn't happen for a very long time....or not at all? i realize that everything ends with an "until." go to grad school until you get married. enjoy a career until you get married. find something to do after college until you get married. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! just stop. there is not a slip of paper containing instructions for life that says, "Step 4: Marry." it is NOT that simple.

i can't believe that i am this old. that i'm graduating. that i'm acting like all of those people i used to laugh at...scared and uncertain. life IS an adventure. i really haven't lost that outlook quite yet. but it is NOT formulaic, and i won't conform to some imaginary process. i just need to breathe...and take the next step, WHATEVER it may be.

sooo...here goes.