People think that it's draining to excel, but I beg to differ: it is much more tiring to be mediocre. I should know.
Why is it that "being average" comes so easily to me? If I didn't hate mediocrity so much, perhaps I would learn to embrace it...perhaps this is who I am. But instead, I spend the whole day giving myself lectures (sometime, out loud...which is fun), trying, like a coach, to pump myself up for the next endeavor at greatness. I'm not one of those people who is constantly failing miserably. I try. I try hard. Sometimes I even succeed. But it seems that there are always a billion other people stepping up to take the gold. I'm a perpetual bronze. Or one of those kids that always gets honorable mention...except it's from life.
Saturday 27 October 2007
Wednesday 24 October 2007
i should write my paper
if someone ever tries to tell you that 6:00 am is a beautiful time of morning, let me just save you the trouble of rising at that ungodly hour and tell you that it looks just like it did the night before: dark. hmph. so, after a quick nap from 3:00 am until 6:00 am, my roommates and i bundled up and began our journey to the Thames/Isis river across town. while i embarked unable to form coherent sentences and wondering why morning people are the way they are, i was in awe of the beauty surrounding us by the time we arrived at the boathouse. a sunrise over Christ Church meadow is worth getting up for...and that says a LOT coming from me. the river was alive with bewildered crews and shouting coaches: it was a classic scene, and i'm SO excited i get to be part of it. that said, i realized what a wimp i am during erg (rowing machine) practice this morning, and i am determined to change.
yesterday was a good start. we were scheduled to run three times around Christ Church meadow, and all of us were on the point of hyperventilation, but still excited. sam, miriam, and i went to the boathouse at the appointed time, but no one was there except for an agitated, sweaty, young rowing captain. he looked up in a sort of hopeful desperation when we nonchalantly arrived, telling us (i was holding back laughter at the piteousness of the situation) that he had been trying to lock the door for thirty minutes, to no avail...would any of us like to try it? i, with life-long experience of being totally unsuccessful at such endeavors, said "no." after a few more minutes of trying, he rushed off, leaving us with the keys and awaiting our own coach. after much going back and forth, confusion about where the rest of our crew was, and finally encountering our coach, i locked the door in a single turn. which made me laugh...hard. anyways, we ended up only having to jog around once (score!) because we started so late. it was still 1.3 miles, though. but it felt good.
i have been really pensive lately...so pensive, that i haven't gotten any work (research and writing included) done on my paper that is due tonight. the story of my life. i've been reading old journal entries and musing about life mostly. it's so strange how we pass through seasons so quickly. i'm realizing that that is what's happening right now, except most people probably aren't in another country when it happens. moving into a different phase with my high school friends was hard, and now realizing that it's time to let go of my college friends is unbelievably difficult. hmmm, i'm not being very eloquent. what i'm trying to say is this: it's time. we're about to graduate and go into the "real world." my friends are getting married, involved in relationships, pulling away, dealing with issues, and figuring out their own lives. not that we can't be friends anymore, but we're definitely in transition. it's kind of a shock to be an ocean away from all of that and come to this conclusion/realization/reconciliation.
recent spontaneity: deciding around 4:00 am (with previous thought being non-existent) that going to ireland for the weekend was a good idea. the buying of tickets ensued. i guess i'm going look for shamrocks on my birthday:D.
yesterday was a good start. we were scheduled to run three times around Christ Church meadow, and all of us were on the point of hyperventilation, but still excited. sam, miriam, and i went to the boathouse at the appointed time, but no one was there except for an agitated, sweaty, young rowing captain. he looked up in a sort of hopeful desperation when we nonchalantly arrived, telling us (i was holding back laughter at the piteousness of the situation) that he had been trying to lock the door for thirty minutes, to no avail...would any of us like to try it? i, with life-long experience of being totally unsuccessful at such endeavors, said "no." after a few more minutes of trying, he rushed off, leaving us with the keys and awaiting our own coach. after much going back and forth, confusion about where the rest of our crew was, and finally encountering our coach, i locked the door in a single turn. which made me laugh...hard. anyways, we ended up only having to jog around once (score!) because we started so late. it was still 1.3 miles, though. but it felt good.
i have been really pensive lately...so pensive, that i haven't gotten any work (research and writing included) done on my paper that is due tonight. the story of my life. i've been reading old journal entries and musing about life mostly. it's so strange how we pass through seasons so quickly. i'm realizing that that is what's happening right now, except most people probably aren't in another country when it happens. moving into a different phase with my high school friends was hard, and now realizing that it's time to let go of my college friends is unbelievably difficult. hmmm, i'm not being very eloquent. what i'm trying to say is this: it's time. we're about to graduate and go into the "real world." my friends are getting married, involved in relationships, pulling away, dealing with issues, and figuring out their own lives. not that we can't be friends anymore, but we're definitely in transition. it's kind of a shock to be an ocean away from all of that and come to this conclusion/realization/reconciliation.
recent spontaneity: deciding around 4:00 am (with previous thought being non-existent) that going to ireland for the weekend was a good idea. the buying of tickets ensued. i guess i'm going look for shamrocks on my birthday:D.
Monday 22 October 2007
no more half-filled journals
life is good.
i am sitting in a coffee shop in Oxford, England, at the moment, a stack of books nearby...their closeness coupled with the general air of academia surrounding this city makes me feel as if i am getting work done. i guess that's all that matters:).
i feel awful. my head pounds, my body aches, my throat is scratchy...but it is a satisfying sort of pain. it is pain that comes from playing a fairly successful football match, from staying up all night writing two scintillating essays, from rushing around in crisp, cool air, from trying my hand at the novelty of rowing, from entering into many conversations about life and its mysteries, from making time to fellowship with the body of Christ, from determining to stop worrying about things blissfully out of my control, from living. when put into perspective, pain becomes joy.
i am so happy to be here, studying at Oxford for my second to last semester of college. sure, some days that feeling spirals downwards, but, in essence, i am happy because i know this is the only place i can and should be. whenever i begin to feel that i have a stupid existence, i am amazed to look back and see all that i have had the privilege to experience...and then to look ahead to the hopes and plans that i enjoy. no matter the present struggles, it is a beautiful thing to know that i will always have something to look forward to, whether i'm 20 (almost 21 ahhh!) or 100. thank you, Lord.
sometimes, when i walk home in the evening, trudging through the swirling yellow leaves, i am simply overwhelmed. beauty is everywhere. it hurts to see it so raw and unashamed, especially in a blessed glimpse that only comes to us every once in a while. i love to be alone, and bask in beauty's glow. but then, i am always excited to get back to people, because, despite what someone said to me in a recent conversation, we ARE relational beings. created in God's image, we are made to enter into the fellowship of other human beings - their joy and sorrow and ponderings. that should be our jumping-off point: life should move in deference to that fact...people: this is a reminder to self.
well, i'll continue my surreal journey here by attending practice for Handel's Messah in the hall of University College tonight...and then later...ah, yes: more procrastination.
i am sitting in a coffee shop in Oxford, England, at the moment, a stack of books nearby...their closeness coupled with the general air of academia surrounding this city makes me feel as if i am getting work done. i guess that's all that matters:).
i feel awful. my head pounds, my body aches, my throat is scratchy...but it is a satisfying sort of pain. it is pain that comes from playing a fairly successful football match, from staying up all night writing two scintillating essays, from rushing around in crisp, cool air, from trying my hand at the novelty of rowing, from entering into many conversations about life and its mysteries, from making time to fellowship with the body of Christ, from determining to stop worrying about things blissfully out of my control, from living. when put into perspective, pain becomes joy.
i am so happy to be here, studying at Oxford for my second to last semester of college. sure, some days that feeling spirals downwards, but, in essence, i am happy because i know this is the only place i can and should be. whenever i begin to feel that i have a stupid existence, i am amazed to look back and see all that i have had the privilege to experience...and then to look ahead to the hopes and plans that i enjoy. no matter the present struggles, it is a beautiful thing to know that i will always have something to look forward to, whether i'm 20 (almost 21 ahhh!) or 100. thank you, Lord.
sometimes, when i walk home in the evening, trudging through the swirling yellow leaves, i am simply overwhelmed. beauty is everywhere. it hurts to see it so raw and unashamed, especially in a blessed glimpse that only comes to us every once in a while. i love to be alone, and bask in beauty's glow. but then, i am always excited to get back to people, because, despite what someone said to me in a recent conversation, we ARE relational beings. created in God's image, we are made to enter into the fellowship of other human beings - their joy and sorrow and ponderings. that should be our jumping-off point: life should move in deference to that fact...people: this is a reminder to self.
well, i'll continue my surreal journey here by attending practice for Handel's Messah in the hall of University College tonight...and then later...ah, yes: more procrastination.
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