help wanted

i inevitably turn to blogging when i am pensive...making me sound perpetually melancholy and even forlorn. but (i promise) i am actually quite carefree/happy-go-lucky in the inbetween times. there is just a point where one must let it all out. all of those pent-up emotions and thoughts...and i do believe that i am woman enough to admit that i keep a lot inside. but i also feel that i let a lot out. hmmmmm...in keeping with my vague epiphanies, there is just a LOT.

that said, this has been a strange week. the concussion has made me sleepy and a little lethargic. also, couple that with me slowly getting sicker and sicker (fever, cold, etc.). i've skipped many, many classes this week, hung out with random people, and been pushed in all of the other times towards thoughtfulness.

i have this feeling.

you know how you can only do life...once? it's literally impossible to do it right the first time. and that is all we get. i am subconsciously and consciously dissatisfied with a lot of choices that i've made...but they're the kind of choices that have also made me who i am today. and the kind that are impossible to erase and try again. so i should just accept it and move on, right? so hard.

i had a quick chat with dad in the freezing rain tonight...two ships passing in the night, really...and he gave me his weekly, er, daily talk about my life. kind of a pump-up-elyse session. i suppose i do need those as much as he gives them to me. but i'm tired. also another word for lazy, perhaps? i just don't FEEL like being this person that he makes me out to be...aggressive, talented, and "a great catch." don't worry, i take his words with a whole tablespoon of salt. but i do have this annoying drive that doesn't let me settle for average, and i constantly find myself pursuing something greater. right now, i am in the middle of applying for internships in DC and researching options for life after college. there is no more summer plans, christmas breaks, easy living, and pure enjoyment in store for me. reality is suddenly...very suddenly...hitting me. i think i'm getting stomach ulcers. i AM excited, don't get me wrong. but this is SCARY.

and then, i have also realized how much life is actually very set in stone. you go to elementary, high school, and then college. you then move on to a career or grad school if you are not already married. and then, if it hasn't already happened, you get married. when did getting married become a step in the process? is love something that now comes on demand? it's not in me to treat marriage as an inevitable building block. what if it doesn't happen for a very long time....or not at all? i realize that everything ends with an "until." go to grad school until you get married. enjoy a career until you get married. find something to do after college until you get married. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! just stop. there is not a slip of paper containing instructions for life that says, "Step 4: Marry." it is NOT that simple.

i can't believe that i am this old. that i'm graduating. that i'm acting like all of those people i used to laugh at...scared and uncertain. life IS an adventure. i really haven't lost that outlook quite yet. but it is NOT formulaic, and i won't conform to some imaginary process. i just need to breathe...and take the next step, WHATEVER it may be.

sooo...here goes.

me...no longer in the headlights.

i cussed A LOT on friday night.

i had a great day and was humming along to the radio on the long stretch of dark road between collins and laurel, when all of a sudden, a large shape moved into my lane just a little ahead of me. by the time i realized it was large deer staring blankly at me (i guess i didn't understand the truth of "deer in the headlights", because i wasted time subconsciously expecting it to move), it was too late to react rationally, and i don't remember everything that happened...but i do remember somehow violently swerving to the left. i told the policeman i was going 70 mph...since i really couldn't remember, i feel it was less a lie than a hopeful estimate. but, realistically, it was probably more like 90 mph. i immediately went into a talespin, flew over a ditch, taking out a pole, spinning down an embankment, and slamming finally into a cluster of trees. i don't remember what happened between the deer and me stopping, just flashes of dark scenery and resigning myself to dying. i may have said a quick prayer, i just don't remember. my side of the car got the brunt of the impact, and i came out of the wreck with a concussion and a bruised, scraped side. while i was sitting there, trying to orient myself and figure out what had just happened, flashing red lights were suddenly in front of me...on the road that seemed very far away now. i was surprised at the immediacy of Mississippi service, but really i should have just been amazed at Providence. there was an ambulance behind that saw me spinning out of control and flying off the road, and they came to my rescue...angels with accents, really. they called highway patrol for me, and stood chatting with me for the next half an hour. the couple whose yard i ended up in, came out to offer their services and talked for a little while. it was quite surreal. i stood there shivering, living in a strange world where i answered questions about my major, replayed the accident for everyone, and asked questions that felt really lame, like "so, paramedics, do you like your job?" i kept it together until dad got there, and then i cried a lot. the car is joshua's, and before i even thanked God for protecting me, i berated myself for crashing his car of all people's. i've never had a car at school, and he was sooo nice to let me borrow it while he is in Iraq. i've actually been depressed about it for the past few days....but he called today, and i got to tell him. he had a good attitude, and i am prepared to shell out a bunch of cash that i really can't spare, but i am more than willing to give up.

anyways, it was a loooooooonnng night. i've been sleeping a lot, my head still hurts, and my body is sore. now i don't have a car. and i am very thankful and encouraged.

i had just been reading in matthew on friday morning about not worrying. God knows. our job is to trust him and aim to glorify Him. that's it. how apropos is that for this very weekend? my reaction to this car wreck should also project onto the whole of my life. trust God, accept His will, await the reasons for the interruptions He brings, and live for Him. it's that simple.

who knew a stupid deer could bring such clarity?

some sort of misunderstanding, perhaps?

i wish
i wish
i wish
i wish
i wish...

my days have been filled with laughter, abandon, excitement, thoughtfulness, and hope. i've been dog-piled on the soccer field. i've played games with random people. i've been watching 24 with a great group of addicts. i've lost a good-natured bet. i've laughed...a lot. i've played with fire. i've made plans for a future yet to be seen. i've gotten to know several people i didn't notice before. i've been driving my own car. i've been convicted time after time. i've had deep conversations and trivial ones.

i've been confident. i've been loving. i've been encouraging. i've (dare i say it?) been myself.

then WHAT do i wish?

i'm tired of this longing feeling that is literally choking me. if i'm so happy, so content...what is this desire that has such a strong grip on my heart? i feel a little like giving up. at what exactly, i'm not sure. life in general, perhaps?

what a ridiculous idea.

since i am one of those who has "seen a great Light"...what more could i possibly need?

so i feel like "student" is my occupation in name only, because classes are not that high on my list of priorities this semester.

what am i up to? put simply, enjoying people. i desperately love these souls scattered around me...if only they knew how much. this IS the most important thing. i knew it before, but God keeps reiterating to me how much that is true.

sneaking discontent

even though i was scared to come back to belhaven, i drove up here feeling a strange sense of preparedness. i moved in friday night, and saturday was all-day training. it was actually really fun. i hugged people, talked of our different semesters, and had fun getting to know the people i hadn't met. we made training videos for the last half of the day...entertaining to say the least. i was the project manager for one, and i was laughing or had my eyebrows raised for most of the time. i felt content going to bed on saturday...went to church at redeemer the next morning. that's another thing that is strange this semester, it's kind of inevitable that i have to go many places alone. not my thing. anyways, i got there and sat by this really sweet lady on one side and a really awkward one on the other. it was great. afterwards, bekah, sarah-lo, and i went to lunch and just talked for a few hours. that is what i love. i LOVE craziness, but give me a cup of coffee, a little atmosphere, and a few people and i am contented to sit and talk into the wee hours. after that, i came back for duty and enjoyed getting to know my RA team a little better...after that, bekah and i went to wal-mart and then the jerusalem cafe. we got to talk about a lot of things that had been pent-up from this past semester. so THAT was slightly relieving. i came back and organized stuff in my quad before going over to tiffany's apartment to watch 24 with some peeps...i came back around 2:00 am. wow, now that i write it all down, it does sounds like i've had a gravy time. but for some reason, monday, i just had the sneaking feeling tightening around my heart of inadequacy and discontent. why??! i'm tired of it. NO MORE.

it can begin with a comment, a look, a query....i thought i had tougher skin than this!

a little bit of it may be my sad state of friendlessness. of course, that is a drastic use of hyperbole, but, at the moment, that's how i feel. there's been problems in my absence that i won't even deign to mention here, but, as a result, i may have lost a few friends. whatev. it's affecting me strangely, but it's also helping me to realize that there are millions of other people in the world. i love making friends with different groups of people, but i'm slowly beginning to understand how many of those relationships are often nominal, even unbeknownst to us. i'm tired of surface stuff. i'm one of those people that desperately needs to have a few good friends...even a lot. and i do. but i want more. how selfish is that?

i feel rather incomplete at the moment.

but wait, i am complete in God...what right do i have to be discouraged?? especially over something so very, very far from my dear Truth.