"a good year"...starring elyse marcellino

this past year has been the hardest of my life...hands down. i've felt homeless and rather helpless the entire year, rushing from one event to the next. i feel as if i forgot to breathe for 365 days. but it has contained trials and joys that God saw fit to give me in His perfect time. from belhaven, to california, to china, to laurel, to oxford, and back again, God has been with me every step of the way. from our move, to mom's surgery, to joshua's deployment, and everything inbetween, He has taught me to rely upon Him like i hadn't known how to before. now i see. i have been surrounded by "shouts of deliverance" (Psalm 32) for the entire journey, whether i heard them or not.

of course, now, i am making the obligatory new year's resolutions: get in shape and....yeah, mainly just get in shape. but i am determine to have a rich year, a happy year, a full year....a GOOD year. i desire to deepen relationships, renew my mind, walk like Christ, enter full-force into my passions, understand more. i WILL study God's Word. i WILL read a book of my choosing each week. i WILL discuss life every time i can. i WILL enjoy my music. i WILL try new things. i WILL be kind. i WILL be all things to all people. i WILL be intentional. i WILL see the world in a brighter, better light.

i look forward to the inevitable tribulation of 2008 with an understanding that i couldn't have grasped last new year's. this year promises much stretching and uncomfortableness: possibly tumultuous last semester, graduation, unknown summer plans, possibility of moving to washington in the fall. all hard, but good and necessary things.

He has given me a "hope and a future." I rest in that, and that alone.

goodbye 2007, and helloooooooo 2008.

what's up??

no sleeping in for me...my first morning back (after getting in around midnight) everyone brought me breakfast in bed around 8:30 and it was all downhill after that.

my room is a wreck. with a life like mine what is the use of ever unpacking? but...mom's word is law. and so i am in the middle of that ridiculously long and boring process...

i'm beating everyone in foosball.

cassie and i went upstairs and attacked my little brothers the other night.

i'm having intellectual conversations with my parents. yay.

i'm preparing myself for a week and a half straight of a full house: much loved, but awkward and draining extended family.

i'm renewing relationships.

so someone asked me when i would graduate yesterday, i said, "oh, may. pretty soon, huh?" after telling me about her extensive career plan, she nonchalantly asked me if i had a job lined up. while i must say i gave a conveniently suave, ambiguous answer, i almost choked on my coffee. JOB?? who knew i had to get one of those??!

mom is sick (sadness), and so i have had to fill her shoes a few times. one of those times was last night, directing the children's choir for the Christmas program...little demons:). i wanted to laugh and wring necks all at the same time.

cassie and i went to the wellness center today to start working out and were shown around by "robert"...he was about to show us how to use this one glutes machine, but the little old man on it looked so awkward i had to laugh. we skipped that one.

normally, i long for adventures...but right now, i am weary. and these sorts of adventures are just fine with me.

hello and goodbye

mmmmmmmm...HOME. such a lovely word, and such a lovely place. i never fail to realize how much it means to me until i finally return to it. this time doubly so. i've been gone for most of this year, and in the meantime, my family has been diligently moving into our very own mansion. i've been exploring:)...it's so nice to laugh and feel comfortable and be myself all at one time.

but i do miss oxford. i miss the camaraderie i found there...i miss the breathtaking beauty: the inspiration i found in every ray of sunlight bouncing off those dear dreaming spires. it was surreal.

i always try to prepare myself to transition from one world to the next and discuss worriedly with other people the difficulties of reconciling worlds. but honestly, i have never experienced culture shock or had trouble moving on. it is necessary, so i do it. i adapt to new (or old) situations rather seamlessly...which is interesting, because i am the type of person that hates to let go of an experience. maybe i have found out how to have the best of both worlds? who knows.

i like hugging everyone and being welcomed back. this is my life too.

Oh Time, Time, wherefore art thou?

i think i shall move to a lovely chateau in France and tend a vineyard for the rest of my life.

right now, i desperately crave the simple joys of life, and that sounds like the ticket. i want to feel the sun, read a good book, sketch a landscape, squish the dirt beneath my toes, laugh and talk, sleep, experiment, write, explore, and (most of all) dream for as long as i want. there is more to finding pleasure in life than subjecting oneself to schedules and appointments...all in the name of truly living. i want to experience life. can that happen while i frantically scan books and type out essentially unoriginal words? i have a burning desire for more that makes me quite breathless in anticipation of what will come next. sometimes, it flickers out, buried under the banalities of human existence. and, although it makes me restless, i feel a sense of calm and joy when it returns...inspired once more by a word, a thought, an experience. contentment is complacency. that is not something that i...that WE are made for. the future is a dire prospect without this inexplicable sense of longing. i'm reaching, reaching, reaching...and i'm sure i will be until i finally see heaven.

it's funny...i just realized that all of the things i'm longing for can be summed up in a word: Time. the thing that puts a name to our limitations is the thing that we need the most.

knowing

there is something about walking unfamiliar streets that is liberating. no one is watching to tell your parents what you've been up to lately. no one cares if you're holding a book and a backpack or a drink and a cigarette. you're one of the many, and the "many" are all sizes, colors, categories, backgrounds, occupations, problems, hopes...every possible combination of person bustles around in coats and scarves. and it works. sometimes, it is nice to blend right in to the setting, to not be bothered with the responsibilities of everyday familiarity.

but then it is a wonderful thing to be known, and, in the end, anonymity is no comparison. yes, i do believe i am ready to go home.

Herodotus and Thucydides are calling my name...but Sleep calls MUCH louder. and so i shall go...

highs and lows

i adore: shunning long essays for 4:00 am conversations about post-modernism and absolute truth, while standing in the kitchen over a piping hot apple crisp that came about as a result of resourcefulness and a bit of friendly thievery.

i detest: being put in a box. it's unfair, and i do that enough myself as it is.

so there.

God Rest Ye Merry Peoples

I Christmas-shopped like a professional today. It was pouring rain (of course), and Alyssa and I rushed around under a tiny umbrella finding presents that I still don't know how I'm going to get back to America. Then I had to cook dinner for my food group: beef stroganoff, green beans, and apple crisp...mmmmmmm. I did good. And I just did random things for the rest of the day.

Tomorrow is our last day at Magdalen Road Church. Everyone there has been sooo sweet. Mine and Miriam's home group met for the last time last Tuesday, and they gave us a "send-off" with cake and many prayers and a splendid card and present. I was so touched that I almost cried during their kind prayers. It's is an overwhelming thing to know that a little group of elderly people halfway across the world knows who you are, wants to know what's going on in your life, and prays for you often. I have been truly blessed by Paul, Jackie, Tony, Margaret, Edith, Christine, Myra, Peter, Jean, Karen, and Colin. The church around the world is such an exciting thing to see!! It makes the kingdom of God so much more real.

Suddenly, I'm a little scared about next semester. Reunions are lovely, but I haven't seen these people in months. So many things have happened and new friends have been made...and we've been (seemingly) worlds away. I left all of my uninteresting classes for my last semester like an idiot, so, rather than be totally bored, I am going to make sure that school isn't about classes! I'm going to focus on relationships and meeting personal goals, some of which are to read a book a week, work out regularly, and actually practice voice. So, in that sense, I'm excited=).

I should go to bed.

brilliant! *said with British accent*

There is now only one 4,000-word essay comparing Thucydides and Herodotus' views of democracy standing between me and freedom! I CAN do this. Of course, so far, I have done absolutely no work on this last obstacle, but I'm sure I will....soon. It's just that I am hopelessly immersed in the Christmas spirit, and all I really want to do is curl up by a roaring fire with a good book, hot chocolate, and a Christmas tree twinkling in the background. I'm tired. For the past few days, I've mainly just been hanging out with people and resting my mind. I raced hard to the finish on Thursday, preparing my last two tutorial papers and attending my last two tutorials. I will miss them, and yet I am unbelievably relieved. On Thursday night, we had our Univ. College Choir Concert (Handel's Messiah) at University Church...ahhh it was so nice to finally perform something this semester. I dearly love singing. Of course, I got stuck behind a huge head of hair and could barely see the conductor, much less all of the SCIO people that came out to support us. But, it was fine. I sang my heart out anyway:). Then we went to our choir party to have mulled wine (mmmmm) and mince meat pies (eeewwww) and, once more, were off to the King's Arms for drinks with a bunch of people. My schedule is so completely off now that I (nor anyone else in the Vines) go to bed around 5:00 or 6:00 am and don't get up until the afternoon. Which can be rather depressing since it now gets dark here around 4:00 pm, and waking up late equals on a few hours of daylight. I pretended to do work most of today and then went to the Angel and Greyhound with Alyssa, Ashley, and Sam...fun times. We drank up and played Trivial Pursuit. And now, for probably the majority of the past 5 hours, I've been in the kitchen talking. Actually, mostly just laughing.

Life here is good. And life at home is good. How does this work?

I wish I appreciated people more. Sometimes I love them, and sometimes I really can't stand them. That's my 6:30 am epiphany. Astounding profundity, I know.

a thankful heart

Happy Thanksgiving!

The number of things I have to be thankful for wouldn't fit in the pages of all the books in the world...And that is probably the only superlative comment I have ever made that is utterly, completely true. God has given me so much, shown me so much, and used me so much. Any complaints on my part are empty, nonsensical things.

If I just think of what God has done in my life over the past year, I am speechless. He's provided for me to go to China to spread the gospel and to come to England to learn in a stimulating environment. He's protected Mom from a serious disease, and is protecting Joshua right now as he is fighting in Iraq. He's handed an amazing, fairy-tale home to Mom and Dad, and provided for all seven children's schooling in ways that still bring tears to my eyes. He is a God that loves to give to His children. I have a loving family and wonderful friends, a church that preaches the Word, and a mind that yearns to know more. Thank you, Father.

This is the second Thanksgiving in a row that I haven't spent with my family, which is a little sad...but, we are having TWO Thanksgivings here! My food group is combining with another one tonight to have a yummilicious Thanksgiving feast, and then Saturday our entire program is joining together in a day of American festivities. Today has been a great day. Not necessarily because anything went particularly well, but because I've had real contentment all day. This strangely objective calm has come over me. My Classics tutorial with Jonathan this morning was a little more enjoyable as a result. It's not that I don't find Propertius and Cicero very interesting (the opposite, in fact), but I never feel adequately prepared to discuss Classics in general - something in which my abilities are extremely immature. I wanted to try something new in coming here, though, and that is exactly what I have gotten. My ego has been smashed to bits and then trampled upon, but I think I've developed a thicker skin. The original goal?? Er, well.....no. But rarely do I know what's best for me. My history tutorial is quite interesting, and, therefore, I think I'm cut out for a more straightforward academic journey. However, amidst all of these conclusions, I had an even larger epiphany today: God does have a plan for me, and I must be prepared for it to be different from mine. Perhaps I am not cut out for the purely academic life of which I have always dreamed. Why should this deter me in any way from continuing life at full speed? The key to life, I'm finding, is a mixture of flexibility, drive, and ultimate dependence on Providence.

My comfort is that He will use me, no matter what. I am His, and He is mine. My mission on earth is to glorify Him, and He will inevitably shove opportunities for me to serve Him in front of my wandering feet. There is no way I can leave this earth with a life unfulfilled.

That said, what do I do now? This semester has been stimulating, inspiring, and hopeful, while at the same time mortifying, painful, and a little embarrassing. Ahhh, why are joy and difficulty always mixed? I love learning, and this is an amazing environment in which to fulfill that desire...but I've also been rather mediocre at everything I've put my hand to. At first, I was angry at myself, but now I see that perhaps I wanted myself to fit in a certain box - a box that's maybe too small or the wrong shape. I've made choices in my life that have made me, in a word, a dabbler. I like to try my hand at numerous things, which is great fun...but the difficulty is that I don't really, truly excel at anything. I could cry and get depressed at this realization, or I could move on, resolved to find my niche, while keeping in mind my circumstances. And that is what I propose to do.

I'm about to graduate, and I enjoy so many things, I don't know what one thing is for me. But maybe I shall proceed to smash the stereotype of having that "one thing." Either way, I am content.

And very, very thankful.

tick tock

My attempts at the academic life have long been mistook for actual intelligence. Often, I feel as if this is something to be confessed, but I realize that if this is the verdict to which people come then it is really no business of mine to shatter their ill-founded perceptions. They are welcome to believe what they will, and I will happily go on living my lie of a life.

Every once in a while, though, the facade slips, and I have to own up to my failures. The facade seems to be slipping often here in Oxford. Oh yes, my way of life is even possible here, but the overwhelming amount of brilliant minds here certainly creates obstacles. You see, sometimes I fool others so well, that even I start to believe that I have truly formidable intellectual abilities. But Oxford has succeeded in cruelly ripping these fallacies from my clenched fists, and I can only shake my head in wonder that I ever looked up to myself so. This has shaken me. My deception is becoming more and more transparent, and sometimes, when the quizzical brows of my tutors lift even higher and their eyes glint with mischievous understanding, I want to whisper to someone, "They know!"

My cover has been blown, but I've enjoyed my double life while it lasted.

dripping with sarcasm

Rain, Rain, go away.
Come again...

...actually just don't.

We have actually been blessed with amazing weather for this fall in England. Apparently, it normally rains every other day and is generally wet and dreary. But, to the amazement of forecasters, the weather has been beautiful! This week contains a few of the rare, rainy days, though...and I feel like complaining. I have no rainboots and one of the girls lost my umbrella on our Rome trip. Thus, I am as unprepared as they come. When rain comes, it rules. I didn't even go outside today, although I had big plans for going into town to get some work done. The pitter-patter never stopped, and I simply couldn't bring myself to face it. Especially after Sunday. Miriam and I rushed out of the house in the morning to the surprise of...you guessed it. Rain. We both tried to fit ourselves under the hopelessly tiny circumference of her umbrella, but, eventually, we succumbed to the inevitability of wind, rain, and puddles. Enormous puddles. We wrapped our heads up with our scarves, which, we realized upon walking into church, had only succeeded in making us look like ridiculous mummies on our walk and made our heads and scarves wet. I shivered through the entire sermon because my socks, shoes, and legs were soaked, and my hair was plastered to my head. Just thinking about it makes me laugh...I looked ridiculous:).

*sigh* Guess what's on the forecast for tomorrow?

perpetually bittersweet

It's just that time of life...

...or so I thought until mine and Miriam's final philosophical conclusion concerning the life of the young adult the other day. We agreed that everything seems bittersweet: leaving experiences, entering new ones, going home, or embarking on yet another adventure. There is always a little sadness mixed with excitement. This feeling seems perpetual, and the difficulty is that I don't believe it will ever go away. I don't remember feeling this way when I was a child...everything was all bitter or all sweet. No awful limbo. But perhaps with more and more knowledge and maturity we find ourselves at an eternal, emotional crossroads...Too dramatic? Perhaps. But that is certainly the way I feel right now. I only have 3 weeks left in Oxford with these people in this experience, and I mourn. Yet on the other hand, the thought of home and familiar faces and normal life is lovely. Ahhhhhh paradox.

So, yes. Only three weeks left. And, to be terribly cliche, I really can't believe how time has flown! My tutorials are going fairly well, although I don't know if I am cut out to be a "classicist." My secondary tutorial on the French Revolution is much more straightforward, and I am beginning to like it very much. In other news, I am no longer rowing. That lasted until the beginning of 5th week, but then a girl didn't pass the swim test and, because of that, an entire crew can't compete in the Reggata. Football has been fun, but it's only on Saturdays. Last game, I had the most proper, British squabble on the field over my original intentions in kicking a girl's shin instead of the ball. Fun times.

Thanksgiving is this week!!! I just think it's absolutely hilarious to be celebrating a holiday in Britain that commemorates our freedom from the British. Oh irony:). This week has been lovely, and, for all of my stress beforehand, Thursday was probably the highlight of the week. I had two tutorials: the first went alright, and the second was great. Inbetween, had coffee with Bethany and we laughed for a few hours instead of studying. Afterwards, I mailed loads of postcards, and then met Miriam at Frewin. We went from there to Summertown to meet Edith for dinner (a Spanish lady in our home group), and met Paul and his son Richard (probably my favorite British kid) on the bus. Seeing familiar British faces on the bus just gave me a sudden sense of belonging. They told us where to get off, and we found our way through the dark, cold night to a cozy flat at the top of a manse. Edith is sooooo sweet, and we had the best time! She cooked us amazing food, and we sad in her little kitchen alternating between laughing hysterically at British culture and intently discussing the Christian life. When Miriam and I left, we felt literally drunk with happiness. We made loud, obnoxious comments which scared random British people as we laughingly stumbled home. And then when we came to the large, open gate of Headington Hill Park, the macabre darkness seemed to beckon to us. We gripped each others arms and "forged ahead" (our new quote that applies to pretty much everything;), whispering creepy stories and sporadically shrieking. It was great. We finally got home to the twinkling warmth of the Vines, and burst in happily to tell everyone about our day. I almost feel like everyone here is family now. I mean, I'm certainly not at the same level of friendship with every single person, but I do feel a sort of camaraderie with everyone. And yes, I love them all:). Yesterday, I walked through Magdalen College (pronounced "Maudlin" if you want to be considered posh) with Anna...breathtakingly gorgeous. If I ever came back to Oxford, I would want to attend Magdalen or Christ Church, simply because of their beauty. What an academic inspiration;). Then we met up with Miriam to walk through the Botanic Gardens...we even stole some little cinnamon sticks ornaments from their Christmas tree. You know, something to remember Oxford by. Then Elaine and I went to a sinister play entitled "The Duchess of Malfi," and I rushed home afterwards to cook for my food group: chicken curry and rice, broccoli, bread and carrots with hummus. Pretty good if I do say so myself. And I do...

In other news, I'm going to be an RA in Gillespie next semester. The offer has really been an answer to prayer, and even though it would not have been my ideal situation a few weeks ago, I think it is perfectly what God has for me. I desperately want to look forward to going back to Belhaven, but the brilliance of this "term" overshadows it completely. That will work out in the end though, I'm sure.

Tea, anyone?

all we need is love?

I don't understand it. Love, that is. When I breath in the cool, crisp air as I walk through this picturesque city, I feel a sort of romance. When I drink in the final pages of a good Victorian novel, I begin to comprehend a little of devotion between the hero and heroine. When I see a couple laughing and holding hands, I glimpse - just glimpse - this thing they call "love"..but I don't understand it. And I don't think I ever will.

Why is love as essential to people as water? Some acknowledge this need with an annoying desparation, while others fall into its rhythm naturally. And then others of us (as you can see, I speak for myself here) shrug off expectations and proceed to feel comfortable living independently. The prying of relatives and the felling of friends by Cupid's arrow only serves to strengthen our resolve to move through life...not without love - that is not the point - but without fear. What a silly thing to waste time upon! All of the time that people spend looking frantically for this elusive "love", it seems to me, could be much better spent on productivity. No, I am not hardened to any romantic longings...who is that resolved? But, life does not revolve around love. Or does it? Why is that, so often, a relationship seems to be for people the light at the end of the tunnel? Isn't the tunnel much longer than that? I certainly hope so!

My thoughts are so jumbled and inconclusive and really not worthy to put down, but it's been on my mind. Forgive me, starry-eyed lovers...I don't want to seems callous.

Maybe this is the danger in turning 21 without knowing what love feels like.

exhaustion

this may have been the longest week...ever. i guess that's the way one is probably destined to feel when, in one week, said person decides to go for a whirlwind weekend to Ireland, turn 21 (wait, i guess that wasn't MY decision), write two papers in a night and attend two tutorials the next day, take one's body to its physical limits (rowing and football), and still have some sort of life. i laughed so much this week, though. that's how i tend to react to anything approaching stress, exhaustion...yes, hilarity ensues. but i had an immense amount of good fun this week too. yay. i like it here. time to go to bed...

destination mediocrity

People think that it's draining to excel, but I beg to differ: it is much more tiring to be mediocre. I should know.

Why is it that "being average" comes so easily to me? If I didn't hate mediocrity so much, perhaps I would learn to embrace it...perhaps this is who I am. But instead, I spend the whole day giving myself lectures (sometime, out loud...which is fun), trying, like a coach, to pump myself up for the next endeavor at greatness. I'm not one of those people who is constantly failing miserably. I try. I try hard. Sometimes I even succeed. But it seems that there are always a billion other people stepping up to take the gold. I'm a perpetual bronze. Or one of those kids that always gets honorable mention...except it's from life.

i should write my paper

if someone ever tries to tell you that 6:00 am is a beautiful time of morning, let me just save you the trouble of rising at that ungodly hour and tell you that it looks just like it did the night before: dark. hmph. so, after a quick nap from 3:00 am until 6:00 am, my roommates and i bundled up and began our journey to the Thames/Isis river across town. while i embarked unable to form coherent sentences and wondering why morning people are the way they are, i was in awe of the beauty surrounding us by the time we arrived at the boathouse. a sunrise over Christ Church meadow is worth getting up for...and that says a LOT coming from me. the river was alive with bewildered crews and shouting coaches: it was a classic scene, and i'm SO excited i get to be part of it. that said, i realized what a wimp i am during erg (rowing machine) practice this morning, and i am determined to change.

yesterday was a good start. we were scheduled to run three times around Christ Church meadow, and all of us were on the point of hyperventilation, but still excited. sam, miriam, and i went to the boathouse at the appointed time, but no one was there except for an agitated, sweaty, young rowing captain. he looked up in a sort of hopeful desperation when we nonchalantly arrived, telling us (i was holding back laughter at the piteousness of the situation) that he had been trying to lock the door for thirty minutes, to no avail...would any of us like to try it? i, with life-long experience of being totally unsuccessful at such endeavors, said "no." after a few more minutes of trying, he rushed off, leaving us with the keys and awaiting our own coach. after much going back and forth, confusion about where the rest of our crew was, and finally encountering our coach, i locked the door in a single turn. which made me laugh...hard. anyways, we ended up only having to jog around once (score!) because we started so late. it was still 1.3 miles, though. but it felt good.

i have been really pensive lately...so pensive, that i haven't gotten any work (research and writing included) done on my paper that is due tonight. the story of my life. i've been reading old journal entries and musing about life mostly. it's so strange how we pass through seasons so quickly. i'm realizing that that is what's happening right now, except most people probably aren't in another country when it happens. moving into a different phase with my high school friends was hard, and now realizing that it's time to let go of my college friends is unbelievably difficult. hmmm, i'm not being very eloquent. what i'm trying to say is this: it's time. we're about to graduate and go into the "real world." my friends are getting married, involved in relationships, pulling away, dealing with issues, and figuring out their own lives. not that we can't be friends anymore, but we're definitely in transition. it's kind of a shock to be an ocean away from all of that and come to this conclusion/realization/reconciliation.

recent spontaneity: deciding around 4:00 am (with previous thought being non-existent) that going to ireland for the weekend was a good idea. the buying of tickets ensued. i guess i'm going look for shamrocks on my birthday:D.

no more half-filled journals

life is good.

i am sitting in a coffee shop in Oxford, England, at the moment, a stack of books nearby...their closeness coupled with the general air of academia surrounding this city makes me feel as if i am getting work done. i guess that's all that matters:).

i feel awful. my head pounds, my body aches, my throat is scratchy...but it is a satisfying sort of pain. it is pain that comes from playing a fairly successful football match, from staying up all night writing two scintillating essays, from rushing around in crisp, cool air, from trying my hand at the novelty of rowing, from entering into many conversations about life and its mysteries, from making time to fellowship with the body of Christ, from determining to stop worrying about things blissfully out of my control, from living. when put into perspective, pain becomes joy.

i am so happy to be here, studying at Oxford for my second to last semester of college. sure, some days that feeling spirals downwards, but, in essence, i am happy because i know this is the only place i can and should be. whenever i begin to feel that i have a stupid existence, i am amazed to look back and see all that i have had the privilege to experience...and then to look ahead to the hopes and plans that i enjoy. no matter the present struggles, it is a beautiful thing to know that i will always have something to look forward to, whether i'm 20 (almost 21 ahhh!) or 100. thank you, Lord.

sometimes, when i walk home in the evening, trudging through the swirling yellow leaves, i am simply overwhelmed. beauty is everywhere. it hurts to see it so raw and unashamed, especially in a blessed glimpse that only comes to us every once in a while. i love to be alone, and bask in beauty's glow. but then, i am always excited to get back to people, because, despite what someone said to me in a recent conversation, we ARE relational beings. created in God's image, we are made to enter into the fellowship of other human beings - their joy and sorrow and ponderings. that should be our jumping-off point: life should move in deference to that fact...people: this is a reminder to self.

well, i'll continue my surreal journey here by attending practice for Handel's Messah in the hall of University College tonight...and then later...ah, yes: more procrastination.