a thankful heart

Happy Thanksgiving!

The number of things I have to be thankful for wouldn't fit in the pages of all the books in the world...And that is probably the only superlative comment I have ever made that is utterly, completely true. God has given me so much, shown me so much, and used me so much. Any complaints on my part are empty, nonsensical things.

If I just think of what God has done in my life over the past year, I am speechless. He's provided for me to go to China to spread the gospel and to come to England to learn in a stimulating environment. He's protected Mom from a serious disease, and is protecting Joshua right now as he is fighting in Iraq. He's handed an amazing, fairy-tale home to Mom and Dad, and provided for all seven children's schooling in ways that still bring tears to my eyes. He is a God that loves to give to His children. I have a loving family and wonderful friends, a church that preaches the Word, and a mind that yearns to know more. Thank you, Father.

This is the second Thanksgiving in a row that I haven't spent with my family, which is a little sad...but, we are having TWO Thanksgivings here! My food group is combining with another one tonight to have a yummilicious Thanksgiving feast, and then Saturday our entire program is joining together in a day of American festivities. Today has been a great day. Not necessarily because anything went particularly well, but because I've had real contentment all day. This strangely objective calm has come over me. My Classics tutorial with Jonathan this morning was a little more enjoyable as a result. It's not that I don't find Propertius and Cicero very interesting (the opposite, in fact), but I never feel adequately prepared to discuss Classics in general - something in which my abilities are extremely immature. I wanted to try something new in coming here, though, and that is exactly what I have gotten. My ego has been smashed to bits and then trampled upon, but I think I've developed a thicker skin. The original goal?? Er, well.....no. But rarely do I know what's best for me. My history tutorial is quite interesting, and, therefore, I think I'm cut out for a more straightforward academic journey. However, amidst all of these conclusions, I had an even larger epiphany today: God does have a plan for me, and I must be prepared for it to be different from mine. Perhaps I am not cut out for the purely academic life of which I have always dreamed. Why should this deter me in any way from continuing life at full speed? The key to life, I'm finding, is a mixture of flexibility, drive, and ultimate dependence on Providence.

My comfort is that He will use me, no matter what. I am His, and He is mine. My mission on earth is to glorify Him, and He will inevitably shove opportunities for me to serve Him in front of my wandering feet. There is no way I can leave this earth with a life unfulfilled.

That said, what do I do now? This semester has been stimulating, inspiring, and hopeful, while at the same time mortifying, painful, and a little embarrassing. Ahhh, why are joy and difficulty always mixed? I love learning, and this is an amazing environment in which to fulfill that desire...but I've also been rather mediocre at everything I've put my hand to. At first, I was angry at myself, but now I see that perhaps I wanted myself to fit in a certain box - a box that's maybe too small or the wrong shape. I've made choices in my life that have made me, in a word, a dabbler. I like to try my hand at numerous things, which is great fun...but the difficulty is that I don't really, truly excel at anything. I could cry and get depressed at this realization, or I could move on, resolved to find my niche, while keeping in mind my circumstances. And that is what I propose to do.

I'm about to graduate, and I enjoy so many things, I don't know what one thing is for me. But maybe I shall proceed to smash the stereotype of having that "one thing." Either way, I am content.

And very, very thankful.