aye, the dabbler cometh

i've (finally) begun memorizing the Marks of a True Christian in Romans 12, and the first verse of the section has already taught be so much, however simple it may sound: "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil, cling fast to what is good."

i am ashamed at how much my love is hypocritical...at how much i appreciate evil and ignore what is good. ahhhhh. God has been showing me my sin in poignant ways lately, and i am determined (through Him who strengthens me) to change. but it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself to be kind, to take the higher road, to shut my mouth, to "cling fast to what is good"...that one cutting remark, haughty look or judgmental thought breaks my tough-sounding determination as easily as a twig. but this is the Christian life...it must be worked at.

well anyways, we're on spring break this week...it's almost over, and it feels like it just began. mom, cassie and i spent some time in louisiana (i got to share about china with their church!), and then we came back home just in time for me to get sick and have to lay around the rest of the break. damn sickness!! oh well. i had great plans for this week: make progress on War and Peace, apply to several more internships for next year, get a tan, see friends, be productive and generally Renaissance-ish. getting a tan is really the only category with some sort of results.

something i've realized recently that has been rather mentally debilitating over the past few days is the fact that i am a dabbler. i joke about it. but i've only just realized how accurate that definition of me is. i have dabbled in just about everything: guitar, viola, piano, voice, history, writing, literature, science, dance, art, geography, speech, debate, cooking, sowing, french, spanish, latin, soccer, softball, etc., etc., etc. but am i actually GOOD at anything? i'm afraid not. i have potential in several areas, but, beginning from a young age, i enjoyed flying from one passion to another...unwittingly training myself to be a jack (or jill, if you will) of all trades. sounds cool...but, in the end, it's just not.

second recent epiphany: i now understand, in a very practically philosophical way, marriage. i can't remember why this came to me now, but amidst all of this obsessing over what direction to take come May 10th and discussing with friends the possibility of moving certain places together, i see at least the basic desire for marriage as the human need for camaraderie. i hadn't thought about it until now, because i've never "technically" been on my own. but now, when the whole world is open to me, i suddenly shrink back, looking around for someone to walk into the sunset with. not that i'm ready or even wanting to get married anytime soon, but i have come to understand - on a very basic level of course - the fact that people want someone else to make decisions with, to be excited about the same things with, to join in on the big endeavors with (i know that was grammatically incorrect, but i just don't care). family is a wonderful anchor, but they have their own lives. friends, no matter how many plans we make and dreams we have for co-fame, will eventually find their own directions. we NEED someone that we won't have to worry about all of that with. whatever decisions there are to make and adventures there are to have, one thing is certain: you will do it together. who doesn't like the sound of that?

I guess that's why we have God. (I just KNEW there had to be something more deeply philosophical in all of that =).

RUN.

i heard an amazing sermon today. and when i say amazing, i mean the life-changing, tear-jerking, hope-filling kind.

Joe Novenson preached for the Redeemer missions conference, and he set forth for us a brief history of the world, beginning with Adam and ending with us. his illustrations were all powerful and a propos, and he put our place in the world and in the advance of the Kingdom in context beautifully. by the end, we were all on the edge of our seats. the last thing he told us was to picture ourselves in a relay race, and the Word of God is the baton being handed off to us. we have numerous excuses for why we are unworthy or unable to take the hand-off, and what we think is humility is actually UNBELIEF (that opened my eyes). he then told us to look back over the shoulders of the runners, to the people who led us to Christ, to the people who led them, on and on through theologians and prophets and finally...Jesus. and there he is, at beginning of this long line of runners, looking into our very souls, saying, "Run."

i was imagining the entire scenario he put before us and being inspired endlessly...but that one little word - "Run." - broke me. tears sprang to my eyes, and i realized how selfish and utterly sinful it is of me to refuse that blood-stained baton, or stand there with it uncertainly. i don't know what running (for me) will or is supposed to look like...but i do know that i must.

this life IS a race, and what a privilege it is to be a runner.

help me to sprint, Lord.

yay for sanctification!

my heart is heavy-ish right now. there is a very complicated reason for it, and i'll leave it at that. soooo today wasn't the best.

BUT there is redemption. my days of late have been full, good, and convicting. there's been kind of a theme for my past week...it has seemed like everywhere i go, someone or something is reminding me of my calling to BE Christ to people. an overwhelming prospect, but one that i am required to take on. i love Christ dearly, but is that fact about me obvious to other people? i have been in prayer about that a lot lately. which also leads me to a recent epiphany: i suddenly feel very called practically. i love to dwell in the academic world of ideas, but i have been surrounded lately by examples of practical Christianity...and that is an attractive thing. i love people, and i have a passion for justice. how can i use these? i'm intrigued to find out. in other words, i have even less of a concrete idea of what i am supposed to be doing after graduation...but i feel calm and even joyful. it is in God's hands, and He's done a great job so far.

dear Christian brethren...

i am so glad that i am a Christian. what would i be without you, Lord?

and what is a Christian who isn't being forced to grow? there is no such thing. at least there hasn't been in my life. God is really stretching me right now...did i seriously think that would end after the rigors of 2007? sanctification is a life-long process.
a tiring, difficult, hurtful and BEAUTIFUL process.

right now, i feel very confident though. i have been forced to go to the Word so much lately, and i feel as if God is showing me grace and granting me wisdom in time of need. He is always faithful...i had to be reminded of that.

He is teaching me the most about healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation. their place is preeminent (or at least, it should be) amongst the people of God, and, when those things don't happen, strife is inevitable. i have before me a very clear picture of how the root of bitterness thrives and destroys when christians choose to ignore problems. i see how openness is essential and how prayer and conviction play into the big picture. i see how hearts are hardened, and people are blinded to their sin. and i see how God is above all of this.

i am holding my temper and praying for grace, and He is giving it to me. how much longer it will last...we shall see.

i do know this. i am completely and surreally removed from the ridiculous situations that human beings create, and i understand that everything comes down to the fundamentals. DO JUSTICE, LOVE KINDNESS, AND WALK HUMBLY WITH YOUR
GOD. when we don't do that, it is obvious, and we know it deep down in our heart of hearts, whether or not we admit it. if this isn't happening, then repentance and forgiveness are available to us.

i am letting go of my foolish notions and relying instead upon the Rock...a foundation that cannot be shaken.

i feel very joyful right now...and i didn't expect it.

big waste of my precious time

sooo,,,you know that sign i asked for? it came with harsh clarity this afternoon. now i'm mad. and i have a couple of people to talk to tomorrow. at this point, i am praying for wisdom so that i don't say what i actually want to right now. i need calm and measured eloquence.

i am VERY disappointed in people.

but then (in all fairness) i am also very encouraged. i've had a lot of fun this weekend, despite how i feel towards the human race in general at the moment.

ok. this is just getting ridiculous.

i am tired. i am sick. my entire body feels like it is on fire right now, and if i cough again i feel like my head will explode.

that said, i put on a pretty good show, because after someone found out i was feeling badly, they simply couldn't believe it since i, apparently, look and act...er, like a not-sick person. i just want to be better. i've literally had some form of illness or hurt the entire semester so far. and i want desperately to be able to hang out and be productive...without limits. oh wait, i'm finite. i wonder what i could do if i felt a 100 percent? the world may never know. this seems to be the story of my existence. God...teach me patience and perseverance.

i had a really good day today though. i pushed myself too hard, but i did get to work out this morning with some cool peeps, sit on the dock at the reservoir and bask in the sun with landrie, and then hang out at dinner and afterwards.

i barely got my article for my hometown's newpaper - The ReView - finished tonight...i had procrastinated for so long due to sickness. THAT has been encouraging me a lot. they love my political column (ok, well...this is only my second one technically), and they're thinking about running a series of my letters home from China. speaking of which, i miss china. oh, and oxford. i find myself daydreaming about them all of the time.

i am ready for a roadtrip. i want...need...to get away. from what? nothing really. i love the people here (for the most part), and i'm even enjoying my classes despite my earlier predictions. i just want simplicity suddenly. i'm used to being unbelievably busy, and this semester is sooo different. i'm only taking 15 hours, being an RA, playing intramurals, attending RUF, and doing political stuff...but i have way too much time (compared to the rest of my time in college) to think. and when i think, i get overwhelmed. and i don't DO. enough of that.

"Let us then be up and doing
With a heart for any fate.
Still acheiving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait."

8th grade English taught me something =).

p.s. there is something that i've come to see i need to do...but i'm too big of a coward. i guess i'm one of those idiots that needs a sign. mostly, i need wisdom, Lord. thanks.

i'm not on drugs. but i feel high. and not in a good way.

NEVER begin your day with Waiting for Godot. This is a very important piece of advice.

Because that is exactly what I did on Thursday morning, and ever since then life has been, well...rather strange and dissatisfying. It's a play that we watched in my HUM 401 class, and at the end, when Dr. Kenyon turned on the lights, we all stared blankly at each other and tried to make sense of it. The premise is basically that life is an endless cycle of us trying to create meaning and failing miserably because, in the end, we are waiting for nothing. Depressing, eh? Of course, I disagree wholeheartedly, but at 8:00 in the morning when you are getting sick and you didn't sleep well the night before...it doesn't bode well for the rest of the day.

The rest of the day was actually quite normal to the naked eye...classes, meetings, and hanging out with people.

But my soul hurt. And suddenly, the good attitude and optimism that I've enjoyed this semester left me. I began realizing how much has actually been going wrong. A car wreck. Constant sickness. Oral surgery. The stupid stock market causing me lose a few a grand right when I desperately need money the most. The political situation falling apart just as I try to get in. Having to turn down a job because I don't have a car as a result of the wreck. Being overwhelmed by all of the applications and paperwork that I have to do if I want to try to get a life after college. Being forced to be a relationship guru when I am seriously unqualified. The fact that people are not happy all of the time no matter how much I wish it. The fact that people...friends...can be so stupid.

...to name a few.

I hadn't been phased by any of these things until yesterday, but now I'm back at an emotional square one.

So much has been going right, though...it's really unfair that I can't focus on those things instead. I feel totally apathetic. But it's more of an inner thing, since I am going door-to-door tomorrow campaigning for a candidate for Congress. I'm doing something productive, I suppose...

I've been reading in the book of James lately, which has been seriously encouraging. I DEFINITELY should go do that now.