a few minutes ago, i was frustrated. alicia and i have been planning (and when i say "planning," i mean nothing of the sort) an adventure to oregon to see ashly. we were supposed to begin the roadtrip - wind in our hair and all that - early this morning. which turned into tomorrow morning. which, as of a few minutes ago, turned into monday morning. *sigh* despite all of the excitement, her horse decided to contract something akin to the west nile virus. i should probably sound sympathetic right now.
*insert sympathetic comment*
anyways, this whole ordeal has efficiently dampened my spirits and caused my hope of us ever getting on the road to slowly slip away...did i mention i already bought a one-way, non-refundable plane ticket back from oregon? i am annoyed. but i texted bekah a bit ago to get my frustration off of my chest, and she told me that she was sorry...she's frustrated as well since she and her family are at a dude ranch for the weekend and they can't watch the olympics.
and then it struck me...and i couldn't help but laugh.
are we really going to writhe in consternation over the problems afforded us by things that were luxuries in the first place? i suppose i finally realize how spoiled i am. we huff and puff over the smallest bumps in the road as if they were the most colossal obstacles we have faced yet. we forget thankfulness...how grateful should i be that i could even plan a trip out west at all? forgive me, Lord, for being angry when my plans go awry. i am ridiculous, but, if it is your WILL, i would be happy to be off to oregon soon(ish).
what a coincidence that our last girls' bible study was on just that: learning to have patience and trust God amidst all of our pretentious plan-making. the lesson of the week, i'd say. speaking of which, i am so glad God put it on my heart to start a bible study this summer. it has been such an encouragement. i've loved pulling things together, choosing topics, praying and fellowshipping and teaching...i've had to embrace my "college graduate" status this summer, but doing it by leading and striving to be an example to younger girls isn't such a bad start. we've hit on contentment attained through godliness, setting practical goals for the christian life, only adhering to one standard: holiness, evangelizing as a way of life, and the last i already mentioned that is being reiterated to me this week. the theme of sanctification and Romans 12:9-21 have consistently popped up throughout the study. i have been inspired to live a life more fully-conscious of my calling as a Christ-follower.
in other news, julia is home! i love that girl. she is one of the few people in my life with whom i can have intellectual conversations for hours...and, oh, we do. she encouraged me to read The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. So i did one morning this week, and that is what one of our long conversations consisted of. it is about the separation of heaven and hell...and there is endless material for discussion. my favorite line from the book is, "water is for thirst; inquiry for truth." i am constantly faced with how to engage the culture in which we live, especially as i leave for the john jay institute this month. i've had several conversations with people lately about how to go about being christians in the public square, and that quotation summarizes what the unwavering focus of our stance must be. this is a relativistic generation, but i cannot be bullied into thinking the way that they do. i have truth, or at least i know it is attainable. sooooo much more to say about that subject, but i shall leave it for a rainy day.
julia and i, walked sheepishly into a local liquor store yesterday to acquire some rum for our favorite drink: rum and coke!! we then drove to the cemetery and sat by the lake in the first minutes of a huge thunderstorm. one of my favorite memories ever.
today, i got up early to go with dad to the library. we joined in on mission mississippi's racial reconciliation forum, and, although i was a little cynical at first, i really, really enjoyed it. we split up into several groups and discussed (and yes, i participated!) in addressing the issues facing race today. a lot of good points came up, and i understood, for perhaps the first time, a little better the situation in america today. i like this sort of thing, and it makes me more excited to become a part of the political scene myself.
then i had to run downstairs to pay my most recently acquired library fine: $26.35.
ouch.
Saturday, 9 August 2008
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
quoth the raven, "nevermore"
i wish i was going back to school tomorrow.
this is the first year i actually feel ready to resume another semester along with all of its relationships and drama...and this is the first year i just can't. that's why getting a diploma is such a bittersweet thing.
after graduating, i felt really sad to leave Belhaven behind, but, after a few weeks, i was easily distracted. this summer has been absolutely beautiful. it wasn't hard to forget i wasn't a college student anymore when i had plenty of reading, song-writing, roadtripping, mischief-making things to do. but now, i suddenly feel it.
hmmm...wanting something when you can't have it...like that's a new one.
this is the first year i actually feel ready to resume another semester along with all of its relationships and drama...and this is the first year i just can't. that's why getting a diploma is such a bittersweet thing.
after graduating, i felt really sad to leave Belhaven behind, but, after a few weeks, i was easily distracted. this summer has been absolutely beautiful. it wasn't hard to forget i wasn't a college student anymore when i had plenty of reading, song-writing, roadtripping, mischief-making things to do. but now, i suddenly feel it.
hmmm...wanting something when you can't have it...like that's a new one.
Saturday, 28 June 2008
elyse wept.
my heart literally ACHES from missing people and moments. and it's not one or the other...the two are intertwined. i need to write a song about it, but i can't help feeling like that won't do this pain justice.
Friday, 27 June 2008
a few landrie-inspired thoughts
"I would have despaired, unless I had known that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13
last week, i had a heightened sense of purpose. don't think that means i went around performing great deeds and making life-altering choices. i did, however, burst out with a "damn!" or "shit!" (forgive my lack of eloquence, but the sheer unattainable quality of the ephiphanies i was having required it) in random moments when i was alone. put simply, i was almost able to grasp the gravity of the christian life...the simplicity versus complexity and the determination needed to embrace it. it's not that i was seeing how to go about my calling. i was just beginning to understand in general, to glimpse the shattering truth of the paradoxes we must accept. i think i've been forced back into my finite shelter for now (it's much too agitating to be in my previous state for very long), but i am better for God making the glass a little less dim every once in while. we need those times to refocus us and remind us of our finitude.
today i played tennis with cassie and my little brothers, ran two miles, worked out, read, cooked dinner, and now find myself with a headache. the simple life is apparently tiring. oh great, another paradox. anyways, mom is gone with johnson to a competition in atlanta, and i am left playing mother to everyone. i certainly respect mom a lot more, and realize that this position is less repulsive than i thought before. although, i would probably kick a few kids out of the bargain...seven may be "heaven" as dad likes to say, but i think a smaller number is probably more manageable. just a thought.
we just got back from a two and a half week roadtrip around the MidWest. we hit quite a few states that i hadn't been to before (my official number is now 38. woohooo!) and enjoyed some really gorgeous scenery: the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Tetons, a ranch, and good ol' Eureka Springs, Arkansas. loverly.
this summer i'm preparing to join the John Jay Institute, a political fellowship, for the next year. in the fall, i'll be in Colorado Springs, and in the spring...who knows? i'm ridiculously intimidated by the eleven other people who will be walking on coals with me (they sound perfectly brilliant), but i am also eagerly and prayerfully awaiting what God has in store. the first part is an intensive time of hashing out political principles and defining our leadership qualities, and the second part will be putting those things to work in an internship. i'll most likely be in washington d.c., but i COULD be in another country...sooo i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
i may not even have enough money to buy my first car, but i have big plans to pick bekah up in romania next summer and backpack around europe. it's a lot harder to make haphazard plans when you are a grown-up who is supposed to have a job...but i manage. i miss traveling so much, and the only way i'll make it for the next year is to have that to look forward to, so raise your glass to blissful expectations.
as for the next few months, i am content to visit and expect visits from friends. also, i'm playing a little piano, hoping to re-pick up guitar, reading a lot, exercising, writing for the ReView, working (a little) at Audubon Press, planning to volunteer next week at the Crisis Pregnancy Center, getting together a girls' bible study, and gathering materials to begin a big scary movie shoot next week. yesss, i'm growing up.
but VERY slowly...=)
last week, i had a heightened sense of purpose. don't think that means i went around performing great deeds and making life-altering choices. i did, however, burst out with a "damn!" or "shit!" (forgive my lack of eloquence, but the sheer unattainable quality of the ephiphanies i was having required it) in random moments when i was alone. put simply, i was almost able to grasp the gravity of the christian life...the simplicity versus complexity and the determination needed to embrace it. it's not that i was seeing how to go about my calling. i was just beginning to understand in general, to glimpse the shattering truth of the paradoxes we must accept. i think i've been forced back into my finite shelter for now (it's much too agitating to be in my previous state for very long), but i am better for God making the glass a little less dim every once in while. we need those times to refocus us and remind us of our finitude.
today i played tennis with cassie and my little brothers, ran two miles, worked out, read, cooked dinner, and now find myself with a headache. the simple life is apparently tiring. oh great, another paradox. anyways, mom is gone with johnson to a competition in atlanta, and i am left playing mother to everyone. i certainly respect mom a lot more, and realize that this position is less repulsive than i thought before. although, i would probably kick a few kids out of the bargain...seven may be "heaven" as dad likes to say, but i think a smaller number is probably more manageable. just a thought.
we just got back from a two and a half week roadtrip around the MidWest. we hit quite a few states that i hadn't been to before (my official number is now 38. woohooo!) and enjoyed some really gorgeous scenery: the Badlands, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Tetons, a ranch, and good ol' Eureka Springs, Arkansas. loverly.
this summer i'm preparing to join the John Jay Institute, a political fellowship, for the next year. in the fall, i'll be in Colorado Springs, and in the spring...who knows? i'm ridiculously intimidated by the eleven other people who will be walking on coals with me (they sound perfectly brilliant), but i am also eagerly and prayerfully awaiting what God has in store. the first part is an intensive time of hashing out political principles and defining our leadership qualities, and the second part will be putting those things to work in an internship. i'll most likely be in washington d.c., but i COULD be in another country...sooo i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
i may not even have enough money to buy my first car, but i have big plans to pick bekah up in romania next summer and backpack around europe. it's a lot harder to make haphazard plans when you are a grown-up who is supposed to have a job...but i manage. i miss traveling so much, and the only way i'll make it for the next year is to have that to look forward to, so raise your glass to blissful expectations.
as for the next few months, i am content to visit and expect visits from friends. also, i'm playing a little piano, hoping to re-pick up guitar, reading a lot, exercising, writing for the ReView, working (a little) at Audubon Press, planning to volunteer next week at the Crisis Pregnancy Center, getting together a girls' bible study, and gathering materials to begin a big scary movie shoot next week. yesss, i'm growing up.
but VERY slowly...=)
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
parting is such (sweet) sorrow.
i'm not one of those seniors that is counting down the days via the markerboard on my dorm room door. i savor experiences with all my might, and college is one of those times in people's lives that is totally and completely surreal...you are only responsible for yourself, hanging out is pretty much a full-time job, and life is nicely packaged into a four-year plan of fun, learning, and trying new things.
and then the real world happens.
why rush it? i am perfectly content, knowing that i have a almost another month before this bubble of an experience is popped. i will miss all of these people, from my best friends to my buddies to my acquaintances to those people whom i catch a glimpse of every once in a while. i'm going to miss being surrounded by groups of peers who are taking time to enjoy life because they can. i'm going to miss long conversations about nothing...and everything. i'm going to miss the kind of people i can kiss frogs and climb trees in lightning with. i'm going to miss having an excuse to be cheap, look crappy, and be as rad as i want to be.
i know, i know...it's time. but i refuse to admit that fully until May 10.
and then the real world happens.
why rush it? i am perfectly content, knowing that i have a almost another month before this bubble of an experience is popped. i will miss all of these people, from my best friends to my buddies to my acquaintances to those people whom i catch a glimpse of every once in a while. i'm going to miss being surrounded by groups of peers who are taking time to enjoy life because they can. i'm going to miss long conversations about nothing...and everything. i'm going to miss the kind of people i can kiss frogs and climb trees in lightning with. i'm going to miss having an excuse to be cheap, look crappy, and be as rad as i want to be.
i know, i know...it's time. but i refuse to admit that fully until May 10.
Saturday, 22 March 2008
aye, the dabbler cometh
i've (finally) begun memorizing the Marks of a True Christian in Romans 12, and the first verse of the section has already taught be so much, however simple it may sound: "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil, cling fast to what is good."
i am ashamed at how much my love is hypocritical...at how much i appreciate evil and ignore what is good. ahhhhh. God has been showing me my sin in poignant ways lately, and i am determined (through Him who strengthens me) to change. but it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself to be kind, to take the higher road, to shut my mouth, to "cling fast to what is good"...that one cutting remark, haughty look or judgmental thought breaks my tough-sounding determination as easily as a twig. but this is the Christian life...it must be worked at.
well anyways, we're on spring break this week...it's almost over, and it feels like it just began. mom, cassie and i spent some time in louisiana (i got to share about china with their church!), and then we came back home just in time for me to get sick and have to lay around the rest of the break. damn sickness!! oh well. i had great plans for this week: make progress on War and Peace, apply to several more internships for next year, get a tan, see friends, be productive and generally Renaissance-ish. getting a tan is really the only category with some sort of results.
something i've realized recently that has been rather mentally debilitating over the past few days is the fact that i am a dabbler. i joke about it. but i've only just realized how accurate that definition of me is. i have dabbled in just about everything: guitar, viola, piano, voice, history, writing, literature, science, dance, art, geography, speech, debate, cooking, sowing, french, spanish, latin, soccer, softball, etc., etc., etc. but am i actually GOOD at anything? i'm afraid not. i have potential in several areas, but, beginning from a young age, i enjoyed flying from one passion to another...unwittingly training myself to be a jack (or jill, if you will) of all trades. sounds cool...but, in the end, it's just not.
second recent epiphany: i now understand, in a very practically philosophical way, marriage. i can't remember why this came to me now, but amidst all of this obsessing over what direction to take come May 10th and discussing with friends the possibility of moving certain places together, i see at least the basic desire for marriage as the human need for camaraderie. i hadn't thought about it until now, because i've never "technically" been on my own. but now, when the whole world is open to me, i suddenly shrink back, looking around for someone to walk into the sunset with. not that i'm ready or even wanting to get married anytime soon, but i have come to understand - on a very basic level of course - the fact that people want someone else to make decisions with, to be excited about the same things with, to join in on the big endeavors with (i know that was grammatically incorrect, but i just don't care). family is a wonderful anchor, but they have their own lives. friends, no matter how many plans we make and dreams we have for co-fame, will eventually find their own directions. we NEED someone that we won't have to worry about all of that with. whatever decisions there are to make and adventures there are to have, one thing is certain: you will do it together. who doesn't like the sound of that?
I guess that's why we have God. (I just KNEW there had to be something more deeply philosophical in all of that =).
i am ashamed at how much my love is hypocritical...at how much i appreciate evil and ignore what is good. ahhhhh. God has been showing me my sin in poignant ways lately, and i am determined (through Him who strengthens me) to change. but it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself to be kind, to take the higher road, to shut my mouth, to "cling fast to what is good"...that one cutting remark, haughty look or judgmental thought breaks my tough-sounding determination as easily as a twig. but this is the Christian life...it must be worked at.
well anyways, we're on spring break this week...it's almost over, and it feels like it just began. mom, cassie and i spent some time in louisiana (i got to share about china with their church!), and then we came back home just in time for me to get sick and have to lay around the rest of the break. damn sickness!! oh well. i had great plans for this week: make progress on War and Peace, apply to several more internships for next year, get a tan, see friends, be productive and generally Renaissance-ish. getting a tan is really the only category with some sort of results.
something i've realized recently that has been rather mentally debilitating over the past few days is the fact that i am a dabbler. i joke about it. but i've only just realized how accurate that definition of me is. i have dabbled in just about everything: guitar, viola, piano, voice, history, writing, literature, science, dance, art, geography, speech, debate, cooking, sowing, french, spanish, latin, soccer, softball, etc., etc., etc. but am i actually GOOD at anything? i'm afraid not. i have potential in several areas, but, beginning from a young age, i enjoyed flying from one passion to another...unwittingly training myself to be a jack (or jill, if you will) of all trades. sounds cool...but, in the end, it's just not.
second recent epiphany: i now understand, in a very practically philosophical way, marriage. i can't remember why this came to me now, but amidst all of this obsessing over what direction to take come May 10th and discussing with friends the possibility of moving certain places together, i see at least the basic desire for marriage as the human need for camaraderie. i hadn't thought about it until now, because i've never "technically" been on my own. but now, when the whole world is open to me, i suddenly shrink back, looking around for someone to walk into the sunset with. not that i'm ready or even wanting to get married anytime soon, but i have come to understand - on a very basic level of course - the fact that people want someone else to make decisions with, to be excited about the same things with, to join in on the big endeavors with (i know that was grammatically incorrect, but i just don't care). family is a wonderful anchor, but they have their own lives. friends, no matter how many plans we make and dreams we have for co-fame, will eventually find their own directions. we NEED someone that we won't have to worry about all of that with. whatever decisions there are to make and adventures there are to have, one thing is certain: you will do it together. who doesn't like the sound of that?
I guess that's why we have God. (I just KNEW there had to be something more deeply philosophical in all of that =).
Sunday, 9 March 2008
RUN.
i heard an amazing sermon today. and when i say amazing, i mean the life-changing, tear-jerking, hope-filling kind.
Joe Novenson preached for the Redeemer missions conference, and he set forth for us a brief history of the world, beginning with Adam and ending with us. his illustrations were all powerful and a propos, and he put our place in the world and in the advance of the Kingdom in context beautifully. by the end, we were all on the edge of our seats. the last thing he told us was to picture ourselves in a relay race, and the Word of God is the baton being handed off to us. we have numerous excuses for why we are unworthy or unable to take the hand-off, and what we think is humility is actually UNBELIEF (that opened my eyes). he then told us to look back over the shoulders of the runners, to the people who led us to Christ, to the people who led them, on and on through theologians and prophets and finally...Jesus. and there he is, at beginning of this long line of runners, looking into our very souls, saying, "Run."
i was imagining the entire scenario he put before us and being inspired endlessly...but that one little word - "Run." - broke me. tears sprang to my eyes, and i realized how selfish and utterly sinful it is of me to refuse that blood-stained baton, or stand there with it uncertainly. i don't know what running (for me) will or is supposed to look like...but i do know that i must.
this life IS a race, and what a privilege it is to be a runner.
help me to sprint, Lord.
Joe Novenson preached for the Redeemer missions conference, and he set forth for us a brief history of the world, beginning with Adam and ending with us. his illustrations were all powerful and a propos, and he put our place in the world and in the advance of the Kingdom in context beautifully. by the end, we were all on the edge of our seats. the last thing he told us was to picture ourselves in a relay race, and the Word of God is the baton being handed off to us. we have numerous excuses for why we are unworthy or unable to take the hand-off, and what we think is humility is actually UNBELIEF (that opened my eyes). he then told us to look back over the shoulders of the runners, to the people who led us to Christ, to the people who led them, on and on through theologians and prophets and finally...Jesus. and there he is, at beginning of this long line of runners, looking into our very souls, saying, "Run."
i was imagining the entire scenario he put before us and being inspired endlessly...but that one little word - "Run." - broke me. tears sprang to my eyes, and i realized how selfish and utterly sinful it is of me to refuse that blood-stained baton, or stand there with it uncertainly. i don't know what running (for me) will or is supposed to look like...but i do know that i must.
this life IS a race, and what a privilege it is to be a runner.
help me to sprint, Lord.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)