aye, the dabbler cometh

i've (finally) begun memorizing the Marks of a True Christian in Romans 12, and the first verse of the section has already taught be so much, however simple it may sound: "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil, cling fast to what is good."

i am ashamed at how much my love is hypocritical...at how much i appreciate evil and ignore what is good. ahhhhh. God has been showing me my sin in poignant ways lately, and i am determined (through Him who strengthens me) to change. but it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself to be kind, to take the higher road, to shut my mouth, to "cling fast to what is good"...that one cutting remark, haughty look or judgmental thought breaks my tough-sounding determination as easily as a twig. but this is the Christian life...it must be worked at.

well anyways, we're on spring break this week...it's almost over, and it feels like it just began. mom, cassie and i spent some time in louisiana (i got to share about china with their church!), and then we came back home just in time for me to get sick and have to lay around the rest of the break. damn sickness!! oh well. i had great plans for this week: make progress on War and Peace, apply to several more internships for next year, get a tan, see friends, be productive and generally Renaissance-ish. getting a tan is really the only category with some sort of results.

something i've realized recently that has been rather mentally debilitating over the past few days is the fact that i am a dabbler. i joke about it. but i've only just realized how accurate that definition of me is. i have dabbled in just about everything: guitar, viola, piano, voice, history, writing, literature, science, dance, art, geography, speech, debate, cooking, sowing, french, spanish, latin, soccer, softball, etc., etc., etc. but am i actually GOOD at anything? i'm afraid not. i have potential in several areas, but, beginning from a young age, i enjoyed flying from one passion to another...unwittingly training myself to be a jack (or jill, if you will) of all trades. sounds cool...but, in the end, it's just not.

second recent epiphany: i now understand, in a very practically philosophical way, marriage. i can't remember why this came to me now, but amidst all of this obsessing over what direction to take come May 10th and discussing with friends the possibility of moving certain places together, i see at least the basic desire for marriage as the human need for camaraderie. i hadn't thought about it until now, because i've never "technically" been on my own. but now, when the whole world is open to me, i suddenly shrink back, looking around for someone to walk into the sunset with. not that i'm ready or even wanting to get married anytime soon, but i have come to understand - on a very basic level of course - the fact that people want someone else to make decisions with, to be excited about the same things with, to join in on the big endeavors with (i know that was grammatically incorrect, but i just don't care). family is a wonderful anchor, but they have their own lives. friends, no matter how many plans we make and dreams we have for co-fame, will eventually find their own directions. we NEED someone that we won't have to worry about all of that with. whatever decisions there are to make and adventures there are to have, one thing is certain: you will do it together. who doesn't like the sound of that?

I guess that's why we have God. (I just KNEW there had to be something more deeply philosophical in all of that =).

RUN.

i heard an amazing sermon today. and when i say amazing, i mean the life-changing, tear-jerking, hope-filling kind.

Joe Novenson preached for the Redeemer missions conference, and he set forth for us a brief history of the world, beginning with Adam and ending with us. his illustrations were all powerful and a propos, and he put our place in the world and in the advance of the Kingdom in context beautifully. by the end, we were all on the edge of our seats. the last thing he told us was to picture ourselves in a relay race, and the Word of God is the baton being handed off to us. we have numerous excuses for why we are unworthy or unable to take the hand-off, and what we think is humility is actually UNBELIEF (that opened my eyes). he then told us to look back over the shoulders of the runners, to the people who led us to Christ, to the people who led them, on and on through theologians and prophets and finally...Jesus. and there he is, at beginning of this long line of runners, looking into our very souls, saying, "Run."

i was imagining the entire scenario he put before us and being inspired endlessly...but that one little word - "Run." - broke me. tears sprang to my eyes, and i realized how selfish and utterly sinful it is of me to refuse that blood-stained baton, or stand there with it uncertainly. i don't know what running (for me) will or is supposed to look like...but i do know that i must.

this life IS a race, and what a privilege it is to be a runner.

help me to sprint, Lord.